I have known this girl for some time now, it was love at first time for me. Even though I have kept this as a secret, I recently made my intentions clear as I would want her to be my soulmate. She has now disclosed she is living with HIV, I don't know what to do. I need your advice please.
{Joseph}
Simon says:
Joseph, this may sound like a complex situation but it shouldn’t. Sometimes we find ourselves even in worse dilemmas than yours and all that matters is how you deal with it.
I understand you are in love with this woman and you would like her to be your soul mate. How do you feel about her disclosure she’s living with HIV? Do you still feel attracted to her after that? These are two questions you should ask yourself before making any decision.
Just put yourself in her position and imagine the decision you would want her to make. That said, there are so many other people whose spouses are living with HIV but enjoying life together. With proper care and diet, HIV shouldn’t come between your love and her.
I am also not quite sure why she disclosed this after you declared your love for her. She could be testing you so be careful, women can be street smart than men. How about going for a HIV test together? She may have told you about that to put you off.
In the event that she is living with HIV, then you ought to thank her for being honest, there aren’t many people like her out here.
You pointed out that you have invested a lot into that relationship, what exactly does this mean? Please make a decision that won’t hurt either of you.
Simon is a relationships counsellor
Boke says:
Joseph, true friendship is a gift, and when we find one we cherish it. From your question, the friendship was mutual. She has equally been a good friend to you as you were to her. Yet you claim you have invested so much into the friendship.
What you are lamenting about has everything to do with the unexpected information. You cannot see the possibility of the relationship progressing to what you had envisioned it to be. That is why men propose or make their intentions known early enough. I must sincerely commend your friend for her honestly. She is indeed a true friend.
Dishonesty has become common among relating parties and this brings untold pain and anguish to the individuals later on.
I know you are disappointed by the unforeseen twist the friendship will take. I assure you, you are better of handling this truth this early than later. As stated, you seem to have known what option this information leaves you with. If the choice you make is the honest one, then stick by it. You will hurt for a moment but you will get over it with time.
But just because she is HIV positive does not mean that you stop being her friend. A change of attitude towards her will be interpreted as stigma. I believe you can act better than that. Continue to show your genuine concern for her like you would do to a friend.
Let’s suppose, and this could be a wild imagination. Could she have told you this to test you? Well, if that be the case it would not take long before she reveals the truth. Whatever the case, remain true and good to each other.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology
What readers say:
Joseph, always use condoms. Tell your girl-to-be to take ARVS without failing and monitor her closely. The two of you will need to be on a healthy diet and, even with her status, you can still have children but only when her viral load is down. You should, however, seek advice from a counsellor or doctor to reduce your risk and exposure to infection. This is my advice if you intend to continue with the relationship and marriage thereafter. However, if you decide otherwise, leave her silently, politely and in a respectable manner. Do not disclose her status to anyone without her permission because if she gets to know, she has the right to sue you.
{Onyango Outha}
She may be trying to assess how resilient you are with hard times but be alert that she could be telling you things as they are. We don’t always have to marry the people we love. Similarly, it's not mandatory that we take to bed every woman we love. For now, stay around and read her body language and ask to be tested together then decide on next course of action.
{Tasma Saka}
You seem to really love that lady. There is therefore no need to leave her. You can continue with the relationship and even have sexual contact with her but it should be protected unless you want to expose yourself to infection. I can also tell you that you can even have HIV negative children with her. The challenge to me will be if your girlfriend-to-be is not taking ARVs and if you are not using condoms consistently as happens with quite a number of discordant couples. But if you do things right, there is nothing to fear. And there are drugs to take if you decide this is the love of your life.
{Nancy Mwaura}
In this time and age, you should not be worried stiff about HIV and Aids. What were your intentions in the first place? Was it love at first sight or lust at first sight. Suppose she is lying to test your seriousness? If you really love her, forget about the 'love at first sight' lie and engage her in a conversation that will lead to something serious.
{Aseri Dick}
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