I left my mum's house and moved in with my boyfriend in Nairobi about two years ago. Everything is working out well and his family is fabulous and I get along well with everybody. We are in love and I know that he cares about me. The only problem is that he has never discussed marriage. Whenever I ask about it, he somehow evades the topic. He has given me an engagement ring but his mum and sisters were surprised to learn that he has not even proposed to me. All I have is his engagement ring and I am growing old. Next year, I will be 29 and I don't want to reach 30 before I get married. I don't mind a cheap wedding even one at City Hall. What should I do if he just won't tell me what his plans are about marriage?
(Serah)
Simon says:
Serah there are some things you need to understand about and more so about marriage and these will help you decode what may be going on in that relationship. The first and very basic element is the fact that marriage (formalising a marriage) means different things to men as it does to women. Yes, you are both looking at the same thing but are seeing totally different things. For you it means security and happiness for the rest your life for him it seems like a life sentence in bondage. You probably want to get on with things and have a child, maybe two or three and raise a happy family while for him he is probably scared stiff about the enormous responsibility that comes with a family. This is why you find that young men are not usually very keen on long-term relationships because they fear the enormous responsibility that comes with them.
The other thing is somewhat difficult in the present day because moving in with each before marriage is the norm rather than the exception. When this happens, things take a different turn; one, the urgency to formalise things goes and it is no longer a priority. Two, other responsibilities kick in sometimes involving a child or two and before you know it the years have gone and three, there is the old adage – why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free? That is what cohabiting before formalising things does to relationships.
I understand you. Yes, 30 is approaching and you really want to get done with this but I think rather than keep nagging him you may try something different. Has he done any of the customary things that are required of him? If not, you may want to get him to do that first more so to show respect to your parents. Remember, there will be no marriage (civil, customary or formal) without this. Once this is done it magically triggers in his mind the need to get over and done with this and before you know it, he will be down on his knee asking for your hand.
As much as possible, do not put undue pressure on him to get this done. Rather focus on doing things that lead him in the right direction. You also want this to come from his heart and not to do things simply because you are nagging him sick about them. However, make your stand known to him in clear terms and emphasize on what it would mean for you if he showed some respect and appreciation to your parents.