Hi Chris,
I’ve been married for longer than I care to admit, and my husband and I have been good together, with none of the problems that beset so many couples.
My husband is kind, and has never done anything even slightly suspicious, and so you’d imagine that I’d be comfortable in my marriage of so many years.
But the truth is, I never feel really secure. Always in the back of my mind I have the suspicion that he might reject me some day, and leave me for someone else.
And so I worry when he goes out, or spends time with his family.
Why do I still feel like this after all this time?
Still Insecure
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Hi Still Insecure!
Almost everyone’s nervous as a relationship starts. You’d like to reach out and touch your date’s hand, but you don’t. Because you’re afraid that your gesture might be rejected. But those feelings generally soon pass as the relationship gets underway. And before long you both assume that your fears are over.
But actually they’re not. Because the fear of rejection never really goes away completely, even in the best of relationships. It’s always there, just under the surface.
Mostly because we don’t realise just how much reassurance even the happiest couples need to give one another.
Feelings of insecurity can be triggered by the smallest things. Like your husband working later than usual, or making some completely innocent remark. Or maybe because you think he seems cool towards you, or you just haven’t made love for a while.
So even after many years together, couples worry. And somehow it’s difficult to talk about those fears, because everyone assumes that there’s no such thing as insecurity in a successful relationship. Which makes it almost impossible to even admit your feelings to yourself, let alone tell your partner about them.
And so some very damaging behaviours can build up. You want to get close, but worry that he may not want you to. So you keep to yourself, and act like you’re perfectly OK sitting alone.
Your partner’s simply chatting happily with someone new at a party, but you think it’s a sign he’s thinking of leaving and sulk on the way home.
If he goes out partying it means he doesn’t want to be with you. You worry that he’s building new relationships elsewhere, so you try to limit his social life. And moan about all the time he spends with his family. Which really just means: ‘I’m scared you don’t really need me.’
The only way out of all this is to face up to your fears. Constant reassurance is a completely normal need, and so you’ll both be a lot happier if you start telling each other, every single day, just how much you mean to one another. Because your husband is probably just as insecure as you!
All the best,
Chris
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