What happened next?
My first pregnancy happened when I needed to dedicate more time, effort and all of myself to my career. The pay was good, and so were the perks, but the job demanded more time and effort from me. After careful thought and prayer, I had clarity that my children deserved the best of my energy and time. Despite earning more than my husband, I resigned from my job when I was eight months pregnant. It was a leap of faith, and the move looked foolish to many. My farewell email to my colleagues read: "You never know what you are living for until you know what you would die for." That was my conviction and remains so to date. To give my family the best version of me, and not the dregs.
What sacrifices have you had to make?
I had to make and keep making sacrifices. In hindsight, everyone in life makes sacrifices, because when we say yes to one thing, we simultaneously say no to another. What matters is that we purpose to say yes to the things that we value and are worth the sacrifice. This arrangement has made it possible for me to be present in the most significant moments of my children's lives. By sacrificing my corporate career, I discovered amazing gifts, skills and profitable abilities while I was at the same time raising my family. My role as a stay-at-home mum has enabled me to truly find myself as an entrepreneur, author, home educator, coach, East Africa Home-school Support Representative and now CEO of Sol Kids Africa. All these beautiful roles share the same passion and value of impacting the next generation.
Have you had financial difficulties?
I am in awe of working mothers who are constantly navigating the delicate balance of building thriving careers while running their homes and being intentional parents and wives. None is better than the other, each choice is demanding and challenging in its way. As a stay-at-home mum, there have been tough financial seasons when I questioned this decision and often wondered how further ahead we would be as a family if I had continued working. There have been seasons when I have craved deep intellectual stimulation and problem-solving beyond resolving sibling squabbles and figuring out what to cook for dinner. Emerging from these challenges has built my resilience, innovation and character.
Do people understand your choice?
I have received negative responses from both women and men about my not having an office job. Initially, this used to bother me and I would introduce myself by adding where I used to work, to gain some stamp of approval. Some would assume I am illiterate or a "kept woman" who is at home out of no choice and would dismiss me. However, with time, I learnt to be secure in who I am, and not in what I do or what others think of me. Now I confidently introduce myself as Melissa, and that in itself is sufficient. No explanations, running commentaries or subtitles are needed.
Any wisdom you have gained from your experience?
Life is a journey marked with highs and lows. Choosing to be a stay-at-home mum is a personal calling that will not be void of doubts, challenges and sacrifices, but it is worth every moment. It is fulfilling to pour into the lives of those whom you love, to be intentionally present, sowing into their lives and having front row seats as their biggest cheerleader. I will end this interview with South African anti-apartheid activist Steve Biko's quote: "It is better to die for an idea that will live than to live for an idea that will die."
Stella Rop, late 30s, mother of two (four and two):
Stay-at-home mum since 2020
Did you always want to be a stay-at-home mum?
Life decided for me! When I was expecting my second child, I worked full-time for a publishing company, which fell into financial distress. The company shifted location for the same reason and the commute became strenuous since it was quite a distance from my home. I could not keep up with this and considering that I was still nursing my newborn. It ended up being a choice between my job and caring for my child, and I chose the latter.
What sacrifices have you had to make?
I have not grown in my career as my age mates have, and some opportunities have passed me since I have had to focus on taking care of my family. Financially, it has also not been easy as the family only enjoys one income - my husband's.
What do you love about being a stay-at-home mum?
I love seeing my children grow, I love being part of their day-to-day lives. I witnessed when they first walked, was there when they said their first words and was present to see them all on their first days of school. I can easily tell if they are not okay, and when they are going through a rough patch and need special attention. I am the primary influence in their lives, and I do not have to worry that they could be receiving unfair treatment from a nanny.
Do you think society understands your choice?
Most people do not understand why I had to make such a decision, in an era where women are supposed to be more 'empowered'. And because this is not a popular way of life, my social life has been affected. Most people think that the only topics a stay-at-home mum would be knowledgeable about are motherhood and family, yet one may be enlightened on many other areas of life. I no longer feel the need to explain to people the choices we have made as a family. Financially, it is not easy since depending on one salary is tough. Over the years, however, we have tried business ventures to supplement the family income.
Advice to other women considering being stay-at-home mums?
I would tell them to go for it after they have had a talk and agreed with their spouse. The decision will involve great sacrifices but the benefits of seeing your child growing, thriving and knowing that you played a huge role in that process is very fulfilling. I would tell them that being a stay-at-home mother is only for a season. The children will grow up and that will allow you to get back to your career. You can also be a stay-at-home mother and run a part-time hustle.
Where do you want to be five years from now?
I would like to be a parenting coach and family therapist. As a stay-at-home mother, I have found that I enjoy seeing the family unit thrive in all ways. I have written a book, Raising Children, Raising Hope, out of my experiences and observations as a parent, to educate more people on intentional parenting. I also have a blog, Mama Warembo, where I post about my parenting experiences.
Expert Advice
According to Reson Sindiyo, a Counselling Psychologist and founder of Resilience tips that can help one to better navigate life as a stay-at-home mum includes:
Before making the change from career to stay- at- home mum it is important for both the husband and wife to discuss expectations when it comes to roles and finances. This will help the couple to be able to support each other once they understand what their expectations are.
Recognise that moving from a career girl to a stay-at-home mother is a drastic change, and that it is expected. It can be a drastic change in terms of pace especially if you came from a high-flying job. A lady can find herself lost without a way to define herself without her job. So, it can be a defining moment for many women, where they now have to discover themselves anew and define themselves differently. So, be intentional on reinventing and rediscovering who you are as a stay-at-home mum, and if necessary, go get professional help to better navigate this big transition.
Continue to maintain your social circle. Maintain a social circle for stay-at-home mothers as this will provide not only support, but a platform to share the highs and lows of your experience, and to learn from others. Also maintain a social circle with former colleagues and from your old life to do fun activities for yourself together with friends.
Men should be intentional about helping their wives in their role as stay-at-home mums. Being a stay-at-home mum is a very demanding job both emotionally, mentally and physically, and so the man can pick a day where they stay with the child or children and allow their wife to are a day off from everything. They can also try and come hoe early from work to help with the children.
The world has gone digital opening many work or hustling opportunities, take advantage. Better yet you can reinvent yourself and go back to school or join a gym.