Every child fears a bully. Bullying is one of the worst forms of anti-social behaviour because it involves exploiting someone else’s personal weakness by frightening them into acquiescence. Bullying involves a deliberate act of coercion. It is intentional tormenting in physical, verbal, or psychological ways ranging from hitting, shoving, name-calling, threats, and mocking to extorting money and possessions. Some children bully by shunning others and spreading rumours about them. Others use social media or electronic messaging to mock others or hurt their feelings.

characteristics

However, some children seem to fall foul of bullies, time after time, no matter what situation they are in. These children appear to attract bullying wherever they go. And it’s not simply a matter of being small, or of being bookish, or even being slightly built and underweight. There are many children who have these characteristics yet never become the focus of bullying.

A child who is consistently bullied may be behaving in a way that actually encourages others to be hostile to her. She may do this because of her need for:

• Attention: Being bullied is an effective way of getting her parents’ attention, or maybe attention from other children. A victim of bullying nearly always attracts sympathy. An attention-seeking child is willing to put up with an attack because of this. However, a child like this will be attention-seeking in other areas of her life as well, and so is readily identifiable.

• Punishment: A child who has a strong feeling of guilt for some real or imaginary wrongdoing may unconsciously seek punishment as a way of compensating that guilt. One way for her to be punished is to have another child physically attack her; through this, she obtains emotional satisfaction.

willing victim

These explanations may sound like a case of blaming the victim. But the fact is that some children do unconsciously encourage others to bully them, and you should exclude this factor first before trying to resolve your child’s complaints of being bullied in school. Another pointer to the ‘willing victim’ is the number of children bullying her. The greater the number of assailants, the higher the likelihood that the child is unwittingly inciting the attacks.

If your child regularly comes home complaining of being bullied by a particular child, spend some time considering whether she is behaving in a way that is contributing to the problem. Ask yourself the following questions:

• Is she being bullied by more than one child?

• Is she attention seeking in other ways?

• Do you constantly have to reprimand her at home?

• Is she willing to take the blame for something that she hasn’t done?

• Does she seem to deliberately provoke you into punishing her?

If your answer to most of these questions is ‘yes’, it is likely that your child is making herself a victim of bullying, in order to meet her psychological needs.

 
child; bully; victim