Both Rosemary and the daughter-in-law remained quite while shopping, but the moment they stepped out of the supermarket, a disagreement ensued.
“Why would you buy items that we could have bought elsewhere at better prices?” she fumed at her daughter-in-law, who at the time appeared to be more of an enemy than a close family member.
Competition
“Remember I am the one providing the money for this entire shopping, Mama,” the daughter-in-law retorted. “Why are you causing mayhem on the streets because of flour?”
“What do you mean by your money? That’s my son’s money. It’s an insult to call it yours,” came the zinger from Mama Rosemary.
After a fierce exchange, the two angry women stomped home in separate directions.
The spat between Rosemary and her daughter-in-law is a reflection of the constant wrangling in many mother and daughter-in-law relationships. But experts say the friction is to be expected.
“Theirs is a relationship between two women who are connected by one man,” says Sheila Wachira, a sociologist. “One calls him ‘son’ while the other calls him ‘husband’. The man relates with both of them adequately but there is always an instinct on the part of the women to grab his full attention and consideration, as both continue playing their roles in his life.”
Holding on
Sheila says that jealousy between a mother-in-law and her son’s wife is a unique one since it is not at all sexual. It is instigated by the need to be the first woman in the man’s life — the one who benefits the most in everything he does.
“Mothers-in-law tend to rule the roost, especially in our culture. She feels more acquainted to her son, having raised him from his conception to the time he acquires adult independence. She is convinced she rightfully deserves the man’s every attention,” explains Sheila.
The over-endearing nature of the mother-in-law to his son potentially throws the relationship between her and the daughter-in-law into a spin.
Daisy Oloo, who has been happily married for 13 years, believes that it selfishness that causes strife between a woman and her mother-in-law.
“The Good Book tells Christians that a man shall leave his parents and cling to his wife,” Daisy says. “However, there are mothers who fail to let go of their sons. When that’s the case, then the relationship is destined to rock the extended family boat. Some boundaries have to be established.”
For Daisy, her husband has made it easier for her and her mother-in-law to coexist.
That said, self-sacrifice is not a virtue that occurs easily between a mother-in-law and her son’s wife. Marriage expert Jennifer Karina writes in her book Marriage built to last that a son can amicably establish comfort in the relationship between his mother and his wife.
Envy
According to Jennifer, the wife should not yank him away from his mother’s life. But even so, Jennifer adds that the son should explain to his mother that he (and his wife) are no longer separate people but one through matrimony. Therefore the mother should cede some responsibility in his life.
It would be preposterous, though, to assume that the relationship between these two women who strongly relate to one man can run entirely without a trace of envy.
Anne Wambui and her husband Lewis Kariuki have been married for three years. That there could ever be some rivalry between his wife and his mother has never occurred to him.
“They are both special to me. I can never ignore my mother. She raised me and understands who I am in so many ways and so I wouldn’t live like she does not exist,” says Leon.
His wife, however, thinks that even though his mother remains an important part of his life, she — as his wife — comes first in everything he does and thinks about.
Strong bond
Anne says: “After marriage, we become close partners. I have to be involved firsthand in what he does or wants to do. Even when it concerns his mother, I should know what he plans to do in relation to her.”
When a mother and a daughter-in-law insist on having their way and lack respect for each other, their relationship is bound to be nasty.
“My son married a pathetic woman, one I can never respect,” says one woman who only wants to be identified as Mama Mark.
“A grown son is independent from his parents but that does not mean they cease to be in his life. Actually, the city today has an uncultured crop of women: All they want is to embezzle what a man has made and make sure that his parents get nothing. That is where the problem is,” continues Mama Mark.
Jennifer alludes to the fear all mothers have when their sons marry. She says women develop a strong bond with their children right from the time they are in the womb.
“It is not easy to let go of this closeness. In a situation where the woman raised her son single-handedly, the bond is even stronger. It may feel frightening at times to think that another woman may ‘inherit’ the success,” says Jennifer.
Special attention
To ensure a smooth relationship, Sheila thinks the man should give the two women in his life reasons to forge a truce. Being the fulcrum of the relationships, Sheila suggests that he must ensure that both his mother and his wife are satisfied that he is doing enough for both of them. He should not be afraid to let his mother know his new role as a married man while ensuring his wife understands that he has a mother.
“When one party appears to receive overtly special care and attention, trouble is bound to strike,” says Sheila.
“Even though a wife is the closest to the man in many ways, his mother deserves periodic appreciation for the role she played in her son’s life. She is a woman and all women want ‘the man’s’ special attention.”
Although mother and daughter-in-law relationship is often like a sea with calmness at the top and turbulence beneath, Jennifer says it doesn’t have to be that way.