Kenyans are not particularly famous for their dancing. There is no dancing style that we have ever exported or world famous. The few dancing styles we have ever contrived were short-lived and forgettable.

Indeed, the dancing in music videos and even at night clubs point to a country so bereft of dancing ideas that we have accepted and moved on. What qualifies for dancing in Kenya are women who are heavy on the backside shaking their fundamendos, mostly grinding and gyrating to a man who has been spending too much time in the gym with results worth showing. In clubs the standard practice is a woman rubbing her backside on your groins, it leaves you high and wet (pardon the pun).

Every so often, I go to night clubs across the country and what I normally witness is horrible. I have a random recipient of unsolicited lap dances that I don’t mind at all, especially after the seventh beer or when I’m feeling adventurous. From my counter seat, I have come to discern four categories of dancers. Here they are:

1. The voluntary dancer

Many young women can smell a desperate man from far. Especially if the man is short, balding or slightly older to be in a night club. They also know that such men have money and are out to spend.

Now some broke women know how flattering it is to a man if they dragged him to the dance floor. Cleverer ones can dance for the man to make him feel like a king. In between, she will shamelessly ask for a shot or if you look loaded some pricey cocktail. Cleverer men know how to milk such to their advantage. Daft men will buy the most expensive liquor and the most they will get is a steamy dance affair, and with luck, a peck on the cheek before she disappears to the other side of the club-to fool another man.

2. The physical ‘sexy’ dancer

What we call sexy dancing in Kenya is generally sleazy by normal standards. There are women out here gifted with derrieres that are a sight to behold. They can wiggle their waist and their backside as if they are independent appendages to their main body.

Unfortunately, such women always have an attitude or will be the subject of attention in the club. So unless you are the best man in the pack, there is no getting closer to her. Besides, any woman who knows the worth of her fundamendos will be too expensive in terms of her tastes for the average Joe.  Ask Vera Sidika.

Equally their moves can be too adventurous if you happen to be a prudish man. If Jaimaican Ragga dancers put you off, then steer clear of this category.

3. The lone dancer

Mostly in the company of their boyfriends or gossipy girlfriends, hence very protective of herself. She will swat and thwart  any attempt to get closer to her, she can offend you. Rarely are they good dancers. She will just be feeling good about herself. Ignore her. She is not worth your time.

4.The graceful dancer

She has a subtly great body that it takes good eyes to notice. She will dance to particular songs and you will not catch her dead dancing to ragga or any vulgar, meaningless music. She is not adventurous, but a good male dancer can bring the best out of her. She is respectful. She is my type. Even though, I cannot dance to save my life.

lady speak;main man