It is said that behind every successful man, there is a woman. Well, behind every broke, angry, sad man, there are women - wives, mothers, sisters, daughters. Women can either break or make a man. What happens when a Kenyan woman decides enough is enough and decides to wreck a man?
Here are 10 ways a woman can seek revenge:
1. Sire a kid with your enemy
When you break a woman’s heart, she can decide to give birth with your sworn enemy, especially when she knows you can’t divorce her. Her satisfaction will be in watching you pamper and take care of seeds sown by your adui wa maisha. Other women take vengeance a notch higher. They can get pregnant by Asian or Caucasian men in a family with kids darker than 100 midnights put together!
2. Screw your boss, mtu wa mkono
If a woman has had enough of your philandering ways, she can get a kick sleeping with your boss — the one who makes your life at work hell on earth. That means effectively your boss will be screwing both of you. She can also sleep with your driver, gardener, guard, mechanic or mtu wa mkono.
3. Get you fired
If she can’t bed your boss, she can spill beans about what a grand thief you are, among other transgressions that can get you fired. Most men who steal from their employers, usually, in the throes of passion, reveal their sins to their wives to explain the source of that extra income. A vengeful wife might swear an affidavit that can get you rotting at Kodiaga Prison.
4. Spill beans
Women can go about telling select people secrets you would otherwise wish no one knew, not even God. Revealing your secrets like you wetting the bed when drunk can make you lose friends. Some secrets can even get you killed. Imagine if you were at the party where a certain governor was accused of killing a young university girl, and you shared the information with your wife, and she has friends in the police force where she goes drinking at the police canteen and her mouth can’t stop running.
5. Eve of destruction
Even though Eve of the Garden of Eden looked so caring by offering an apple to her hubby, she can still be destructive when angry. Tales abound of men who come home to find their prized Shinde set on fire. Other finds that their wives burnt all the title deeds, passport, academic papers and even the house.
6. Divorce court
A woman can decide to drag you through a messy and embarrassing court case, mostly divorce case in the Family Division at the High Court. By the time the ruling is made, the man is already half dead from hypertension, a near fatal heart attack and the biggest killer, stress.
7. Murder, she wrote
A woman might have no qualms paying hit-men to bump you off to St Peter earlier than Sir God intended. She can also siaga a bottle of soda into powder and changanya it with minced meat and watch you enjoy the supper in full knowledge that she will be sitting next to the uncle who will be reading your eulogy in less than six months.
8. Big disease with a small name
A woman infected with that big disease with a small name can decide to sleep with, and share the sexually transmitted ailment with her husband’s brothers, uncles, friends, even the shamba boy.
9. Kunyofoa transformer
This is a special favourite of some women from a ‘certain community’ in Central Kenya when they get tired of a hubby who can’t stop chasing skirts that don’t belong to the wife. It’s a skill passed from mother to daughter through generations and they have perfected the delicate art of kunyofoa your ‘transformer’ when you are cut like a diamond.
10. Draining your account
Other women get a kick draining the bank accounts and disposing property that the man acquired. Whoever said money can’t make you happy clearly didn’t know where to go shopping.