Confessions: I’m afraid my wife will find out that I’m still with my first love

I have two children and a good wife. I married her but it was because she got pregnant and I did not want to abandon her at her time of need. However, I had another lady who I really loved. This other relationship continued over the years and she now wants to move into town. She says she just wants to be near me and that the relationship is becoming too expensive to maintain as long distance. She is very understanding and says she would not interfere with our marriage. I love her but I am afraid that my wife will find out about this and she will cause a lot of trouble. Please advise me on how I can keep this relationship under cover. I don’t want to lose her.

{Mark}

What the readers say:

Mark, you cannot fan a fire and then try to hide it from glowing. You are dealing with a very intelligent woman and she is exploiting the fact that you trust her and are falling right into her trap. When that woman moves closer to you, your goose will be cooked and you should prepare for a polygamous life. Stay faithful to your wife and remember there is more to a marriage than loving a woman.

{Tasma Saka}

Why do you think that lady wants to move into your town and just be close to you? She wants to be close to you so she can demand her share of the man your wife snatched from her. Do not be fooled or taken for a ride, this may cause rift in your young family so tread carefully and make the right decision. If you continue entertaining her brace yourself for a bitter war.

{Onyango Outha}

Please read between the lines. If you bring this woman closer to you, she will do everything in her capacity to get back with you. She knows that you still have feelings for her and that is the bait she will use.

{Lillian Mwaura}

If you are married to a good wife whom you love and are satisfied with then what else are you looking for? You are tearing apart a marriage you have worked so hard to build. Please concentrate on building your family and forget this other woman. Women will always be selfish when it coms to men and she is just out to break your family.

{Nancy Kemunto}

Simon says

Mark, the thing about marriage is that nobody cares why you married. You married a woman, you are now a husband and a father. Period. All those other issues you are raising about marrying because she got pregnant are laughable and cannot hold any water. You made a choice, therefore it does not matter who you loved then and who you love now. You have a family now and these are the people you should to be worried about.

You are a lucky man to have a loving and understanding girlfriend. She understands you are married and wants to move into town just to be close to so she can see you more often. To me she is “too understanding” about things and I have a feeling that she has a few aces up her sleeve. There is no such thing as an understanding woman when it comes to love. The only thing that women understand is what they want – which in this case is you. If she really understands things, she should know that it is better for her to remain in another town.

Yes, yes, yes. She swears she will never get married to any man and says she doesn’t want children which are very good things to hear from a woman who loves you and wants to move towns to be close to you. However, show me a woman who never wants to get married and who never wants to have children and I will show you a liar. She knows that these are your greatest fears so by telling you such things she is concealing her intentions. In life, you have to learn to listen to what people are telling you but also learn to listen to what they are not telling you. If those are her words, you can pick out several key words (marriage, children, love -- this woman does not mean well for you.

If you accept for her to move into town, you will lose all your power and influence in this relationship. In addition, she will have you at arm’s length. She will ensure she gets pregnant and see to it that your wife gets to know with the hope that she will leave you thus pushing you right into her arms. There is no need to struggle keeping this undercover when she is in town when you don’t have to struggle if she stays in her own town. If you know what is good for you brother she should stay right where she is — or move her further away.  

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor