Hook up potential at funerals

By KK

Have you watched the movie Wedding Crashers starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson? Ignoring the sorry part where the two main characters get ensnared by two lovely women and say goodbye to bachelorhood, the movie is brilliant.

Start with Chazz, the one who showed Vince and Owen how to attend weddings in order to seduce bridesmaids. He doesn’t crash weddings anymore. He has moved on to funerals. Apparently, the women there are more vulnerable to seduction.

Meeting grounds

Quite frankly, it is a brilliant concept. A lot of raw emotions flow at funerals and if some tequila is made strategically available after the dearly departed has been laid six feet under, you know, it just might work.

Njeri, a haughty Nairobi professional, is aghast at the idea that a guy would attend a funeral with one eye on the casket and another on her comely legs. I point out that most ladies dress up pretty hot for funerals these days and those dark glasses they hide behind only make them look like celebrities.

Look at the bright side. Funerals attract people from far and wide. It is quite possible to run into Ciku from Nyeri, Aisha from Coast, Kipchoge son of Keino, Makokha from Kakamega and even Jamila from Garissa, all at the funeral of their ex-classmate’s grandfather in Kitui.

In other words, many funerals throw together a smorgasbord of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes who are outside of the usual circles of bar, church or merry-go-round.

Then there is the atmosphere. Funerals create easy camaraderie and a sense of unity in loss as all join hands to commiserate over the bitter goodbye.

It is much easier to say hello to an unsuspecting damsel at a funeral than it would be, say at a bar or church, where the fairer sex has the paranoiac habit of moving around in packs like wolves.

Gauging

A woman could also get to see the serious side of a guy. She could see how he cleans up in a suit. She could pay attention to the suit to check if it’s mtumba or polyester, which would indicate probable cash flow issues.

And if he shows up in an Arsenal jersey then this could save her time. A chap without at least one suit to wear at funerals could betray joblessness, lack of ambition or general immaturity. Besides, there is something the matter with Arsenal fans.

At the funeral, she could also see whether he has the gumption to offer emotional support to the women in his life — his mother, sister, cousin or a friend — and use this as a yardstick to gauge how much of husband material he is.

Funerals potentially offer more than just tears, preaching and lousy food. Otherwise, remember to keep well away from the bereaved. Instead, focus on those who attended out of social obligations and will probably be found at social places later the same day.