Midlife crisis: Men behaving badly

By Anthony Ngare

A greying pot-bellied man pulls up to a popular nightclub in a gleaming brand-new sports car he can ill afford. He steps out with his girlfriend, a scantily dressed model barely out of her teens. His fashion conscious 25-year-old son would not be caught dead in the clothes he is wearing — he looks like a cross between a pimp and a teenage gangsta rapper! The mismatched couple proceed to dance the night away. Is anything wrong with this picture? Not if you appreciate that the man is in the throes of midlife crisis.

Just as puberty is the transition from childhood to adulthood, midlife is the transition from the ‘building stage’ to the ‘mature stage’ of adult life and there are as many differences between these two halves of adult life as there are between childhood and early adulthood. Men have become more vulnerable to this due to pressures of modern living.

If your man makes a dramatic change in his personal style or appearance and is suddenly spending lots of time in front of a mirror, there is cause for concern. If he has kicked up the vanity and starts getting facials even though he used to take pleasure in showering with bar soap, then you may have a problem. If the man, who always prided himself as a true African, suddenly sees the necessity of manicures then your problem could be a little bigger. He is battling midlife crisis. The first step in boosting your man’s bruised and aging, ego is to compliment him. Sometimes, however, this isn’t enough, experts say. That’s when you just have to be patient.

Midlife crisis is an upset of the steady state of affairs in one’s life according to Dr Gidraph Wairire, a Sociology lecturer at the University of Nairobi.

"Midlife crisis is a developmental aspect in the lifespan of a man. In life, we have to deal with various crises. Adolescence and marriage bring their own crises. Likewise, midlife crisis occurs when one is facing unique challenges in midlife," he says.

So what exactly attacks men in midlife?

Unaccomplished mission

"In this duration the children are finishing high school and the man may develop fears and worries regarding the fate that awaits his children," says Wairire. This is also the time that a man is staring retirement in the face and if he has not achieved what he had envisaged earlier, it can greatly affect his behaviour.

"If a man suddenly feels life is a bore and becomes restless or apathetic despite having a good job, he might be headed for a midlife crisis," says Martha Lijoodi a banker and a mother of three teenage boys.

"Some men hit middle age and notice that many of their dreams have gone or might remain unfulfilled, while other men react this way because they have accomplished so many career goals that they wonder if there is anything left to do," she says. Regardless of the reason, a bored man wants to shake up his routine. Typically, this means anything from quitting his job to making frequent plans to paint the town red with ‘the boys’.

In addition, it’s also at this time that a man’s parents are well advanced in age and their health conditions may be constantly deteriorating, Wairire says.

"The aging parents’ need for attention coupled by the fear of the unknown as far as the man’s future prospects are concerned can combine to have a real charged victim of mid life crisis."

During this phase, men become easily irritable and may portray signs of being overtly unreasonable. They tend to lay blame on other people and engage in a great deal of rationalisation.

Certain actions indicate a man’s sudden desire to live life to its fullest, says John Gitonga, a consultant in his late 40s.

"Rash decisions to go for a new car even when he is struggling with a mortgage or taking up expensive hobbies indicate a looming crisis. He’s probably thinking, ‘Maybe I can make up for all the things I let slip by in my youth’," says Gitonga.

And then there is the problem of infidelity.

Wandering eye

"Has your long-time, faithful husband had a wandering eye lately? Are strange women calling his phone? Do his shirts reek of someone else’s perfume? Does he have all sorts of excuses — from helping out friends to working late — to explain why he hasn’t been around the house lately? If you are asking yourself these questions, your husband might be cheating on you," suggests Mercy Mbithi, a programmes officer with a non-governmental organisation. This is just one of the painful results of a midlife crisis.

When a man is not sure about himself, he gets stressed and many men are affected sexually.

"When sex with his wife isn’t as exciting as it used to be, a man may find himself daydreaming about having sex with other women or masturbating more and finding it more satisfying because he doesn’t have to worry about not performing well," says Wairire.

Mbithi says men use pornography for a number of reasons.

"Perhaps he is feeling inadequate as a lover. At age 60, his sex drive is significantly lower than it was when he was 30 and pornography may give him some ‘sex’ with no fear of failure. He may also turn to other women to reassure himself that he ‘still has it’," she argues.

Some men turn to sex, as a form of relieving stress while others may not perform at all. If he seems to be struggling with his self-esteem or is generally unhappy, sex might become an additional burden to him, says Wairire.

"Either way, this gravely affects the relationship in marriage."

He reckons that a stable relationship in marriage can greatly help in mitigating midlife crisis.

Experts agree good communication skills are important to any marriage and are especially useful during a midlife crisis.

Whereas some associate midlife crisis with heavy drinking and infidelity, Wairire insists this depends on one’s socio-cultural orientation. "A strong believer in religion will not indulge in such activities, yet this does not mean he doesn’t suffer midlife crisis."

Escapist mechanisms

Flirting with young girls or drinking heavily is basically an escapist mechanism to deal with the crisis, insists the sociologist.

"Many men marry younger and more energetic wives and, therefore, a drop in performance is easily noticeable." In order to reassert themselves they go for other women who may not know the man’s track record in bed or may not have as much say or authority in bedroom matters.

But can one escape midlife crisis?

"It depends," states the sociologist. "If a man is able to manage his affairs appropriately then he is in a better position to cope with midlife crisis. If he has prepared adequately for his children’s welfare, chances are he may not suffer small time worries about the fate of his children."

A sense of achievement and recognition in society greatly helps a man to deal with the pressures of midlife crisis. In addition, having a strong social network can help one stem the tides of turbulent times during this time.

"The people you hang out with will have a bearing on how well or badly you deal with mid life crises," says Wairire.

"If you hangout with a useless lot then expect to drift deeper into the rough seas of the irresponsibility and infidelity vices," he warns.