Single, happy but still waiting!

Incidences of mature unmarried women are increasing with more professional women in their late 30s and 40s enjoying life as independent ‘living singles’. RHOYDA NYAMBANE spoke to some of them

Incidences of mature unmarried women are increasing. Professional women in their late 30s and 40s are happy, independent ‘living singles’.

Some have made a deliberate decision to remain so while others argue they are still single by forced circumstances such as broken relationships.

Njeri Muhoro is a communications specialist working at the University of Nairobi Press. She is pursuing her PhD studies. One cannot tell her age just by looking at her because she looks young, yet she is in her forties. The ever-smiling woman looks at life positively.

"I can’t tell if I am single by choice or by circumstances. After I finished university, I thought marriage would come naturally; but time has passed faster than I expected and here I am, single and still waiting. I believe it should come naturally because you cannot push God," Njeri says.

She wonders whether a woman can seek out a man to marry. Many of her friends who got married in college or soon after prided themselves with husbands and children. But ten, 15 years later, many have walked out of their unions.

"I am not sure I want to go through that," Njeri says, adding that someone needs to give her a definition of marriage so she can evaluate whether she wants to get married.

Challenges of being single

"What can I get from a man that I can’t get for myself? I love my independence," she says.

Njeri dislikes some men who she describes as "suckers who just want to sit and eat from a woman’s sweat. Many people are getting married for reasons other than friendship,’’ Njeri says.

On whether she will get a child if she does not meet Mr Right, Njeri gives a firm no, adding that society still stigmatises single mothers.

Njeri feels that not every woman was meant to get married, but quickly adds: "I will only marry for love and friendship."

She acknowledges the challenges associated with single life like craving emotional and sexual fulfilment, but says one can learn to live without them.

Ketura*, 43, is a born-again Christian and a holder of an MBA from United States International University. She has held senior positions locally and internationally. She drives a big car and has acquired property. Although she is still single, she hopes to get married one day.

"The men I have met are intimidated by my achievements," Ketura says. "I like my independence because I can make decisions without consulting anybody. It is better to get married when you are wiser.’’

Ketura is ready to remain single if the right man does not come her way.

Opot, a teacher in Nairobi, is still single and says majority of men today do not want commitment.

Societal changes

"It is ‘unAfrican’ to approach a man and proposition him because if you do, you are branded aggressive and this drives men away,’’ says Opot, who has been in relationships in the past but ended up being hurt.

Dr Agnes Zani, a lecturer at the Department of Sociology at the University of Nairobi, says Kenya is witnessing a trend brought about by societal changes.

The trend, she warns, is here to stay.

"We shall see more women marrying late or choosing to remain single because careers have become more important than marriage," she says.

Dr Zani says social-cultural stigma on such women has reduced hence there is no pressure on them to marry. She further maintains that women lose nothing by marrying late or remaining single so long as they are happy.

"Economic empowerment is more important than social status," Zani adds.

Rev Miriam Gichung’wa, a marriage counsellor and lecturer at JKUAT and Multi-Media University says the population of women in Kenya is higher than that of men.

Having handled women in their 30s, 40s and 50s, Rev Gichung’wa says each category has its unique challenges.

"Women in their 30s feel they still have a lot of time to make decisions so they tend to be choosy and set high standards that many men cannot meet.

"Before they realise it, the women have turned 40 and desperation sets in, so they rush into relationships, which they end up regretting,’’ says Rev Gichung’wa.

"Majority of those in their 40s have established careers and acquired property, so many men shy off from such women because they feel threatened.

Besides, most men in that age bracket are taken so the older, single women suffer limited choices. As a result, they invest in material things because they suffer from insecurities," Rev Gichung’wa adds.

Women approaching their 50s struggle with loneliness. They tend to hate men and cry over lost relationships, cursing those men who messed them up when they could have made better choices.

"Most of these women suffer from rejection, bitterness and stigma,’’ says Gichung’wa.

She implores society not to stigmatise these women because they need love, understanding and support.

* some names have been changed.