Nairobi, Kenya: Sex can be a pleasurable and a fulfilling aspect of every relationship; however, it can be the greatest source of disappointment, discouragement and despair.
It has a way of breeding resentment, rejection, and rebellion, which often opens the door to infidelity.
Take John’s case: “I have been married for the last three years and seldom had fulfilling sex. We had not had any contact for the last eight months. I expected to enjoy mind-blowing sex after marriage. I have made every attempt to work on it but my partner thinks I am too much. She seems to have some inhibitions that she does not talk about. Often responds, “what’s the big deal? It’s just sex.” Our relationship is falling apart, I am now thinking of finding a lover, please help!”
GOOD SEX BALANCE
Finding good sex balance between partners despite differing desires and experiences can be a challenge for many couples. It helps to candidly address their needs, acknowledge the problem and purpose to work through it together.
Living in denial and not facing up to the real issues will ultimately rock the foundation of the marriage.
John is not alone and there are many couples today struggling in secret. Generally, this happens when one spouse desperately longs for more romance, better foreplay, craves for a more intimate touch, more sex, more physical closeness and the other partner is too preoccupied, disinterested, ignoring her pleas. It need not be this way. A sex-starved marriage may be as a result of differing libidos due to the following reasons;
• A low self esteem, anger, guilt disappointment, hurt and resentment as a result of unresolved conflicts.
• Hormone fluctuations, physical and emotional health challenges, ageing.
• Prescribed medications such as antidepressants and birth control pills.
• Alcohol and drug abuse.
• Grief due to a loss of a loved one, a job or finances.
• Infidelity.
• Guilt also impacts on a couple’s sex desire. When we embrace sex freely without inhibitions, unrealistic expectations, fear or guilt, it is fun, exciting and enjoyable.
This God-given gift can only be fulfilling within perimeters of safety and freedom. It is the ultimate celebration of marriage. Guilt and low self-esteem can result to a sex starved marriage. One needs to go beyond their feelings of fear, shame and, inadequacy.
When someone has an aspect of themselves that they are not comfortable with, they tend to be overly critical of themselves and become self-conscience. The fear of rejection results to fear of intimacy.
origin of guilt
Generally, we pick up sexual guilt along our life’s journey. This can come from an overtly religious upbringing where sex was condemned and viewed as dirty and bad.
It can also originate from comments made to you as you grew up. Such situations that we make take on extreme levels of shame and then bury these deep in our subconscious mind. This guilt is then triggered when we come physically close to a partner.
Love is what transforms sex from simple physical gratification to an amazing experience of joining with another human being.
Sex is important, allow yourself to be vulnerable, purpose to fulfill one another and thrive!
The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke
