Few effects of ndogogio are as unpleasant as calling ‘Mwaura’. See, its closest cousin, the diarrhoea, has some hodi of sorts. You will experience that rumbling tummy movement, followed by the early feeling of wet stool. You will ignore it, thinking it’s a passing cloud only for your bowels to be attacked by something sharp like a bayonet has slit your butt in two.
Ruining the liver with a riotous internal plumbing for company is like cracking killer jokes to writhing patients at a casualty.
So, when you feel like kuharisha is imminent, you rush minus niceties towards the long drop for a strenuous session of kuchomoa veins in between cursing why you were greedy; eating mutura ya matumbo, spleen, mara ya mbuzi, ulimi ya ng’ombe, roho panfry and kichwa, all escorted with mtungi size cup of thufu with pili pili ya red split in two and floating on ‘top layer.’
Discomforting as it is, diarrhoea has college education and thus issues enough warning signs. Not so ‘calling Mwaura’ (vomiting) which has no adabu, and mostly afflicts those greedy charlatans who mix poisons without much stomach defence.
No one has escaped ‘calling Mwaura’ at Wa-Hannah:
Kang’ethe: Makes a hissing sound like an old Bedford you might think his kidneys will swoosh out next, but instead it’s large pieces of hardly chewed vipande vya nyama that have Nyambu advising the old metal “anza kula kima (minced meat)!” for which he mistakes and answers “mimi hukula ngima (ugali).”
Owish: Calls Mwauraaaaa! with such intensity the stomach contracts towards his mgongo, runny eyes bulging, ulimi nje but out the mouth comes hot air with an acrid smell like a medical lab with a dead rat
Diameter, the political analyst: Last week’s sukuma is the first to announce his menu, followed by brown turungi. Never mind he’s just had nyam chom. Diameter pants, gathering himself inside the loo, you might think he fell inside the long drop.
Waka-Knife, the butcher: All one hears is ‘Woiiiiiii!” like he’s being strangled with a maize cob, followed by a torrent of a burst sewer.
Kot-Kot: Bends head over the sink like he’s waiting for the hangman, but nothing comes out beyond his diaphragm that feels like it has just been cemented.
Nyambu: Swears ‘siwezi tapika pombe hata kwa dawa!”