By Nyambura Maina
My husband and I are at loggerheads over our ‘houseboy’. He is an older man, about 15 years our senior and has been working for us for the past five months. Everything was going well in the beginning and our two boys appreciate having him there. Lately, however, he has begun acting stubborn with me when I ask him to do housework. I end up doing the chores myself to avoid confrontation yet I am the one who pays his salary. When my husband asks him to do something he does so eagerly and enthusiastically. Should I fire him for his insubordination? My husband seems to think I am making a big fuss over nothing.
Elsie, Nairobi
In this day and age it is quite a challenge to get good househelp. Potential employees are scrutinised thoroughly and a detailed risk analysis done. When one has little children, there is even more emphasis on being careful who you choose to employ. Hours and hours on end are spent at employment bureaus looking for that perfect employee. Sadly, many times these seemingly hardworking employees shed their masks within a few weeks and show their true colours much to the employer’s dismay. There is a reason you chose to hire an older man to help you with household chores. Perhaps you felt that your two boys would be in good hands with an older man. What you did not anticipate was the insubordination you are now witnessing on a regular basis.
Getting work done around the house becomes an ordeal for you because your househelp defies your instructions and leaves you feeling infuriated. Your hard earned money seems wasted on paying the salary of an employee who does not listen to you. Until now you have dealt with it by avoiding confrontation. This may solve the problem of getting the housework done, but it leaves you feeling helpless, angry and frustrated. In addition, you get no sympathy from your husband, which may leave you feeling isolated and belittled for your complaints.
Realise that you have a choice in this matter. You can choose to remain angered by the situation or you may choose not to get emotionally wound up by your househelp’s behaviour. There is no need to play the victim. What you want is someone to help you with the chores in the house. That means figuring out a way of handling your househelp — by adjusting how you communicate to each other and the attitude you have towards his defiance. Or find someone else who is willing to work for you under your conditions.
Your home is where you retire to every day after a long and tedious day at work. The environment therefore must be one that encourages rest and peaceful existence. Conflicts must be given little chance to develop and fester.
Maintain the sanctity of your home by refusing to harbour ill feelings and emotions that rob you of your composure and authority.
Common counsel
Feel the pinch
Stop paying his salary and let your husband take on that responsibility. If the mzee feels he cannot take orders from you, then let him be paid by the person he listens to. For your husband to find your complaints trivial shows that he does not understand the seriousness of the matter. So let him dip into his own pocket from now on and feel the pinch for himself.
Elena, M.
Reluctant to take orders
I’m a landlady in Nairobi and had employed a man from upcountry to be the askari. He came from a community, which is known for being fierce and came highly recommended. Indeed he remained vigilant throughout the night and my tenant was very pleased with this. However, with time he begun disregarding my orders and acting rude. When I tried to reprimand him, he walked off in a huff calling me names. I attribute this to him not being able to be under any woman’s control. I had to let him go even though he apologised for his folly. Now I employ professionals who have been trained and are more exposed to city life.
Mrs Gikonyo
Learn a new language
Men have a special way of communicating to each other and that is why your employee behaves differently with your husband. I believe this is because men try to establish some kind of camaraderie with their fellow men whereas women tend to keep things rigid and too business-like. Your husband might give him a tip once in a while or give him a stick or two from his packet of cigarettes. With you perhaps orders are shouted and you scold him loudly in public. In other words you communicate disrespectfully and condescendingly. Change the way you handle him and communicate to him and you will see a big change in his behaviour.
Cyrus, 41
Unwavering traditions
Your employee is a mzee to you and in his mind you should accord him due respect simply because he is older than you. Traditions will never disappear regardless of how ‘modernised’ we think we are as city inhabitants. To avoid your blood pressure rising every time you have to deal with him, get someone else to replace your mzee or alternatively find him other work he can do that does not require your supervision. You may interpret his behaviour as insubordinate, but to him he is being a man.
Lucas, K.