We have long known that women are wired more for connection and less for competition. As they rise up the corporate ladder or as they grow their own businesses, they realize that while connection may be their default setting, competition has a role to play and that we therefore need to harness our ability to compete. Over the past few years, research has shown that few women seek funding for their businesses in pitch type competitions. Fewer even get this funding. A think tank based in the US sought to find out why this was the case.
The results, though unsurprising gave insights that confirmed the connection-competition dynamic. The one finding that stood out the most to me was that women prefer to speak with potential investors on a one to one or one to few setting as opposed to standing in front of a room of people justifying why their idea is the best thing since sliced bread.
A few weeks ago, I was in an informal gathering that had a room full of high profile women. Some were in business and some were in the corporate sector, but the one thing we had in common was that we were all there to support each other. By a stroke of luck, we also had a few coaches in the room who, as we went along, pointed out behaviors that we exhibit as women that hurt us more than they help us in the professional setting.
What one thing never fails to make you feel better?Apologising
Call it cultural conditioning or unconscious tendencies, as women we apologize far too much, even when it is unwarranted. As we went along in the chats and we started to look out for these unconscious behaviors, we heard the following over and over again 'I'm sorry for asking but....', 'I just have a small question' or 'I'm sorry for being so forward' etc. Eventually one of the coaches said to us 'stop being sorry and just say what you want to say'.
These misplaced apologies slip into our speech without us even being aware of it, and without realising that it hurts our legitimacy. They key is to be hyper-aware of how we sound to other people, and if necessary, ask the people closest to you to point out things that you say that make you sound unsure, hesitant or anything less than confident.
Asking for permission
If you are in the room, own it. Do not act as if you are an impostor or as if you have less a right to be there. When, instead of asking a direct confident question, we try to minimize the possibility of ruffling someone else's feathers or of seeming too big for our breeches, we in turn do ourselves the disservice of standing in our own power. Phrases such as 'If I may ask', 'If I could clarify', 'I would like to ask a question' are superfluous. Ask your question. Don't seek permission.
Shrinking
I don't know where we came across the narrative that we have to make ourselves small in order to win approval from other people. We start off a question by prefacing it as 'I know this is a silly question' or we reduce the importance of our question by declaring everyone else in the room smarter than us. Chances are that if you have a question, then you're not the only one. Ask. Comment. Do not qualify what you are about to say.