Anti-ethics and graft commission clears Sani Abacha, Mobutu Sese Seko

The Kenya Corrupt and Anti-Ethics Commission has cleared the late Sani Abacha and the late Mobutu Sese Sseko of corruption allegations. In a press statement, the corrupt anti-ethics body, which is seemingly always itching to clear crooks, declared that the two great sons of Africa committed no corruption-related offences. The commission said the fact that the two prominent Africans appear in the top ten list of most corrupt leaders in the world of the 20th century was pure malice.

“After thorough investigations, we find that the above late persons have no charges to answer and any reports to the contrary are misguided, unfounded and borne out of malice,” read a part of organization’s statement. They went on to urge Western governments that have frozen assets belonging to the two gallant sons of Africa to release them to their families with immediate effect.

Immediately they were informed of the developments, the families of the late Mobutu and Abacha thanked the anti-ethics body for proving that their patriarchs have all along been innocent, and have been discredited by an evil media that is working at the behest of former colonial powers and Western governments.

“Kenya has proven to be a true friend and we thank you dearly!” said the families in a joint statement. “We intend to donate statues of the two gallant sons of Africa, to be placed prominently at the entrance of your offices as a symbol of the good work you are doing!”

Corruption allegations

The move to clear the duo came soon after the commission had cleared some prominent Kenyans of corruption allegations, even as other jurisdictions insisted they had cases to answer. After clearing the two of the allegations that have dogged them for decades, both while alive and posthumously, the commission now plans to issue recommendation letters to the Vatican for the duo to be put on the path to sainthood.

“These two former leaders are at par with the holiest of holies and deserve to be canonised,” said the commission’s executive director. The organisation’s delegation will also be travelling to meet the Pope to make the case. Following the developments, it is now expected that other African leaders who have been ‘mistakenly’ accused of corruption will troop to the capital of East Africa’s biggest bandit economy to have their names cleared by what is emerging as the world’s ‘friendliest’ anti-graft institution.

Cheating cases

“This is likely to give a whole new meaning to Kenya being a ‘safe destination’ – not that you will be safe from terrorists, but safe from prosecution for all your corrupt and criminal activities,” observed a wag. “It is only a matter of time before we have another round of shuttle diplomacy lobbying for the commission to be put in charge of manning the pearly gates to decide who goes to heaven and who goes to hell!” He added.

Unsurprisingly, serial cheats are now also pressuring the commission to clear them of adultery and cheating allegations, so that their spouses can accept them back. “If anti-ethics commission can ‘cleanse’ you even after stealing millions from Kenyans, then they can also ‘reset’ my adulterous past and make my wife see me in new light,” said a man who’s currently separated from his wife over his numerous cheating cases.

Additionally, Kenyans whose DNA is scattered in too many bedrooms and are in need of an ‘image makeover’ are also hoping the anti-ethics body can start issuing Proof of Virginity certificates so that they can now get married without their spouses ever suspecting or having a clue about their past.