Marriage is great. However, the whole concept has seemingly been overrated, leading to a widely held notion that every grown up has to get married.

Consequently, most Kenyans get surprised when they hear of an unmarried grownup or one that doesn’t have children. It’s amazing how such single adults still get grilled and even pitied for that choice of life style. The governor of central bank, Dr Patrick Ngugi Njoroge, is a case in point. News that he is still single at 54 shocked many Kenyans.

But contrary to popular belief that every grown up has to get married, there are men and women who are not meant for marriage, or so it seems.

Tale of serial divorcee

Take Ken’s case, for instance. He is what many would describe as a ‘serial divorcee’. Only at the age of 46, all his three marriages have turned out dysfunctional.

“However much I try to settle down, my marriages always break down. I have married a record three times. None of them worked out,” the father of five reveals.

Unwilling to share detailed information of the circumstances under which his marriages break up, Ken*, with a resigned shrug of shoulders, sums it up by claiming, “marriage is not meant for me”.

“My first wife took off with my first born son. Efforts to reconcile with her through emissaries and parents proved futile,” he recalls. Unbowed, heartbroken Ken licked his wounds and gave marriage another shot. Unfortunately, again, things fell apart.

“This marriage never lasted. It ended even before we got any child,” he agonises.

Ken* took some time to heal and evaluate himself. “There is this widely held notion that for one to be complete, they have to marry. This conviction really nagged my mind,” he recalls. Desperate for validation and determined to shed off the ‘failed family man’ tag, Ken* successfully wooed yet another woman. The two madly fell in love with one another and tied the knot.

“This was the happiest moment of my life. My life was back on track. That someone had accepted me with all my baggage made me feel great and whole again,” he says.

Believe it or not, this marriage, too, fell apart. “We lived together for a while. Three children down the line, but we had irreconcilable differences along the way and divorce was the only option,” he says.

After his painful experiences and streak of bad luck, Ken* vowed never to marry again. He claims, he is not superstitious, thus doesn’t believe that he could have been cursed or bewitched. He argues that perhaps he is just not wired for marriage. He, however, says he got over the divorce and is currently dating, but rather casually and has absolutely no plans to get married.

Children out of wedlock

Ken’s case got us curious. Are there people who marriage is not meant for, however much they try to settle down? But, wait a minute... Come to think of it, Ken* is not alone.

There could be many others who share his predicament or even worse. For instance, tales have been told of women who, too, can’t settle down.

Some even have more than three or four children from different men. Much as they are enthusiastic about marriage and even try to get into it, they sadly end in separation or divorce. Mark you, this happens despite them having undergone premarital counseling, getting the union blessed and generally putting in place all the safety nets.

Jinxed with love

Kibet* is in his mid-thirties but has never had any serious relationship that he ever felt could lead to marriage.

“I feel like I am jinxed with love. I am always unlucky with women,” he says. The only time he came close to experiencing marriage was in campus when cohabiting with his then girlfriend for three months.

“It was a terrible experience. It was only fan for first few weeks. I wondered how married people hack it. I was uncomfortable sharing my space, and by third month I was voluntarily sleeping on the sofa, in the pretense of watching TV till late. The relationship ended on a sad note,” he says.

His poor run with women has seen him hold them in low opinion, he says.

“None of my relationship has ever been rosy. I don’t believe in love anymore. Why should I pretend to love someone just so that I can marry them, only to separate later? I haven’t found the right woman for me,” says

Kibet, without noticing the irony in his statement. He could actually be the problem— in fact, a hot mess— who knows?

Failed family men and women

This, then, begs the question: Are so-called serial divorcees or failed family men and women just unlucky with marriage, ill prepared for the institution or the whole concept was just never meant for them? According to Isaac*, who is in his early forties and still unmarried, marriage and kids as the main source of happiness and fulfillment in life is a myth. He argues that he doesn’t subscribe to this fallacious belief.

“We need to cut serial divorcees and failed family men and women some slack. Marriage is not meant for some of them. Many of them would wish to have great families, but odds seem against them. I don’t believe that for one’s life to be complete they must have someone special to live and get babies with,” says Isaac*.

Sources of happiness, fulfilment besides marriage

“It’s not true that there is some level of understanding, happiness or even emotional support which human beings can only get from people of the opposite gender. Actually, one can still get this fulfillment and happiness from members of their own gender, family. Mark you I am not talking about being gay or a lesbian here,” he adds.

Isaac* argues that there are many other valuable types of relationships through which individuals can achieve happiness and satisfaction.

“My passion for sports can never be equated to anything else. Not even a wife can provide me the excitement and happiness I get from watching a good rugby or football match. My favorite hobbies such as drawing, body building and weight lifting provide me happiness than my girlfriend doesn’t. Men and woman are not meant to be everything to one another,” concludes Isaac*.

After a nasty breakup with her baby daddy years back, Virginia promised herself never to get married. She is 42 years old and a proud single mum.

“I had an unpalatable experience with a man who impregnated me while at the university. He denied responsibility for the pregnancy and ever since, I have never entertained the thought of settling down,” says Virginia.

Family without marriage

Virginia says she is happy being single and believes same happiness can never be guaranteed in marriage.

“Being unmarried pro vides me freedom and ‘me time’. This lifestyle offers me an opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them. I do this without worrying about the effects of my behavior, weakness and mistakes will affect my partner. I know myself and highly suspect I would be more miserable if I got married,” she says.

Virginia adds: “My lifestyle has nothing to do with being selfish. In fact, this helps me grow as a person because I freely socialise. Marriage has a way of stopping personal development. I have seen women whose education and careers come to an end after getting married. I were married, I doubt I would have finished doing my master’s degree by now and neither would I be holding my current job. In marriage, women tend to depend on their men for happiness.”

Happily married to careers, hobbies

Interesting to note is that there are people who derive fulfillment from their careers and hobbies than they would from romantic relationships and marriage. A good example of this group include some workaholics, academics, artists, writers, scientists, inventors, philosophers and greatest engineers of all time.

To them, perhaps, giving back to society doesn’t necessarily has to be through giving birth to children. They see marriage as a detraction of sorts.

To such types, marriage is such an enormous responsibility that would require a lot of dedication at the expense of their manifest pursuits and endeavors. These individuals are dedicated and committed to honing their skills, nurturing their talents and perfecting their crafts.

Thus, we wonder, could it be true that some of these extravagantly talented people draw a lot of inspiration from solitude? Does the noise of wailing children and nagging wives lower the productivity of such men so much that they keep off marriage? Could staying away from marriage have, for instance, contributed to immense success of Isaac Newton, Write Brothers, Mark Twain and their ilk?

Meanwhile, other people are just not interested in children and getting partners who equally don’t need children always proves futile.

Almost 15 year ago, in an interview with Daily Nation, a popular radio host cum musician confessed she doesn’t like children, attracting ire of Kenyans. She said she finds the idea of marriage, childbirth and care such a cumbersome affair. The lady is believed to be in her early or mid-40s now and still unmarried with no kids. Could chastity be a mojo of sorts?Perhaps, Kenyans should admit marriage and kids are not meant for everyone and let unmarried people be.