LYNET OTIENO explores reasons why some men purposely impregnate other men’s wives
Was it an accident, a slip of contraceptive or a careless, drink-driven tryst that caused a married woman to get impregnated — twice — by her former boyfriend?
It wasn’t. Both decided they needed to get a baby as a permanent memento of the love they had for each other before they ‘stupidly’ walked into their respective unhappy marriages.
Their story is not unique.
Naughty wink
We are in a traffic jam. My uncle’s female colleague suddenly sees a handsome boy in school uniform crossing the road. Out of the blue, she blurts: Ninunulie gari kama hii na nitakuzalia kijana mzuri kama huyo (buy me a nice car and I will bear you a lovely son like that one).
The woman, a married mother of two, says it with a naughty wink. My uncle laughs, suggesting it is a discussion they were having half in jest while flirting at the office.
It could thus appear that married women worrying about their men having children with single women are barking up the wrong tree.
Married men are increasingly getting children with other people’s wives. More shocking is that the whole thing is no accident — it is carefully planned.
James Kitony, a senior accountant at a public institution in Nairobi, says the whole idea is the fun in fooling adults. In his case, his children go to the same school with one of their step-brothers with whom they share a passing resemblance.
“I have three children with three married women, and I have three with my wife. Those women’s husbands and my wife know nothing about it. It makes me gloat when she calls me useless!” says Kitony.
A soldier at one of the military barracks in Nairobi says it is expensive to have a wife and a girlfriend. Girlfriends soon demand to be married as second wives. But a married woman, says the soldier, accepts it for what it is — a fling.
Virile
“This is a common thing in the disciplined forces. That is why the media is occasionally awash with stories of policemen or soldiers killing wives, colleagues and, sometimes, their children before taking their own lives.”
The soldier has a long running affair with his colleague’s wife. They have a child and their respective spouses are none the wiser.
But why invade a virile man’s house and purposely impregnate his wife when he doesn’t need your help?
Chris Hart, a Nairobi-based relationship psychologist, says, “Men will always seek opportunity to get a child, nothing sinister. It’s just biological.”
Precious
This, Dr Hart says, has been happening since creation. In the olden days, this sort of thing was higher in societies where drug abuse was high, men spent a lot of time behind bars or they went to war.
Gordon Okonji, a 73-year-old Siaya elder, says ideally in Luo culture, a married woman should only be intimate with another man when it is known that her husband is impotent.
“A woman is allowed to have sex with her younger brother-in-law, or her husband’s cousin. But there were always cases where everyone suspected that a certain child did not ‘belong’ to the home,” says Mzee Okonji.
Though Okonji is not categorical why men would want to plant their offspring in another man’s brood, he gives an example of a lone maize plant growing in the middle of a crop of beans.
“It is always precious,” he muses with a sly grin and the foresight only expected of someone his age.
He equates it to a passtime among the Luhya and Luo where men would ‘hide’ several cows among distant relatives or friends.
“He could have a big herd of cattle in his home, but the one hidden out of site always had a special place in his heart because it was safe from his enemies,” he explains.
Musa Odanga, who has secretly sired three sons with three different married women, the youngest now in his 30s, agrees, saying other than the thrill of knowing another man takes care of your child and lover, it is some sort of insurance.
“African homes are funny. Neighbours can bewitch your children. Or thugs, floods, or a fire, can wipe out the whole family. It helps to have other children hidden somewhere. That way, your ‘blood’, your lineage, never dies,” says Okonji.
Superior genes
Unknown to men, however, women are not sacrificial lambs. Often times, it is them who plan and direct the whole skit. It is women who initiate the deal — either to inject superior genes into the family, or as is common now, gain some income on the side or simply for emotional satisfaction or revenge.
Gladys Njoka, 40, a saleswoman in Nairobi, says her two youngest children were sired by her lover, himself married with three children.
She says: “He was my boyfriend before I met my husband and is so handsome I just had to have a child with him. Then I thought, why not have another one? My husband loves them all and has no clue the last two are not his.”
Louise Njenga, a teacher in Naivasha, says: “We had a small difference with the man I was meant to marry and we parted. When some guy came along, I said ‘yes’ to make him jealous so he could come back to me.
“Unfortunately, I got pregnant. I got married but my heart was still with my former boyfriend. He also got married but was not happy in his marriage so we secretly decided to have a child. We have two now. The youngest just turned three,” says Njoka.
Risk
While the whole issue is complicated, Dr Hart says what encourages men to impregnate people’s wives is the security in marriage.
“No married woman is going to demand that you marry her or sue you for child support because you made her pregnant. She cannot also let her husband know what she has been doing behind his back with another man so it is a well calculated risk.”
Fortunately for men and unfortunately for women, Dr Hart says a woman is most likely to cheat on her husband when she is fertile, making chances of her being pregnant with another man higher than it is with her husband.
“A woman is most likely to cheat on her man when she is ovulating than the other times of her menstrual cycle. During this time, she is most likely to wear skimpy dresses and behave in some ways that would attract men’s attention,” explains the psychologist.
Surprisingly, in some societies, especially where men have a lot of time, more than 30 per cent of children are born through such affairs: “This could happen anywhere, from developed states in England to the slums in Kibera,” says Dr Hart.
The advent of social media has made these games easier. Even as you read this, married women and men are scouring through Facebook and flirting with strangers, old college mates, or casual acquaintances.
Men look for successful but unhappily married women with the capacity to raise their child. Women, on the other hand, look for a man with good looks, brains or money — traits their husbands may lack.
The whole thing is carefully timed to a ‘workshop’ that coincides with her ovulation. Nine months later, when a child is born, two men celebrate wildly.
But only one of them suffers the morning sickness or pays the bills — all the way to university. In some instances, however, some married women receive money from the men who sired their children.
Strangely, it is the cuckolded man who has the last laugh when the little girl or boy grows into a top academic, political heavyweight or business magnet. Much as some fellow living in abject poverty somewhere might brag to be the ‘real’ father of the successful man or woman, it is the man that was cheated upon who is showered with gifts, money and fame.
This, however, is no reason to examine your children’s toes with a magnifying glass. Sorry, too late!
