By Tony Ngare
On Wednesday, we were out for a polite mid-week drink with the boys but all that changed when Stella called to say she wanted to unwind after doing a CAT at the university. She brought along two of her classmates, Neema and Phoebe.
After the initial discussions on the constitution and the need for setting up an African state for Haitians, we embarked on a discussion of a more personal nature. It turned out that one of Stella’s pals had quite a story to tell.
Neema says she has been battling to quit smoking but her cause is not being helped by the fact that she is not registering enough quality time between the sheets. Of course we are not talking about her alone in bed. Her new boyfriend, she complained, was taking a tad long to read the signs.
"We have had numerous drinks together but he will just pay the cab fee and let me go home alone, leaving me wondering about what might have been," she sighs.
This surprised some of us although from the corner of my eye, I could see Frao smilingly mischievously. I could read the brother’s mind. The question is, how many dates are you supposed to have before you have sex with someone?
Sounds like a question an adolescent might ask, but believe you me, we spent the next couple of hours discussing it. After a long and laboured discourse we believed we had some pointers.
"As soon as it’s humanly possible," I said hoping to sound the most intelligent of the lot.
Grand scheme
Frao followed suit and said it need not become torture. "First of all, dating rules don’t work the same with everyone," he explained. "Each circumstance is different and everyone you date is not going to be the same," he added.
His grand scheme, I noticed, was gaining ground at an alarming speed.
When it comes to deliverables, it’s important for one to decide before you get into a relationship, stated Stella. "Do you want to take things slow or are you looking for a sexually intimate relationship?" she asked. "This can help one to avoid those morning-after regrets that result from unfulfilled desires from last night."
While men were unanimously that one should never use sex to bargain for favours, the women were divided.
Denying someone sex or using it to get favours is one and the same thing, argued Phoebe. "I can use it for to punish someone or I can use it to push for other objectives," she said.
Feel miserable
Talking about it also helps, says Stella. "Sex is not the only way to get intimate with your partner," she argues.
"If you are not ready for sex, then talk about it and let your partner know what’s on your mind. It’s better to communicate rather than feel miserable."
"Does communication entail making a timetable?" I asked this seemingly experienced panel.
"Never do that. It would become mundane," says Kim.
"The most important thing is to trust your instincts. Listen to your heart and keep in touch with your feelings and you won’t need any rules to tell you how many dates you need to have before the sex. You will know when it’s right for you."
