By Julia Ayoti

Having lived and studied in Ghana, I have slowly began to realise that the nationals consider Kenyan woman an odd species. Already, we take the cake in East Africa for being difficult and this reputation is fast spreading to the land of the grass cutter (a huge rat considered to be a delicacy in Ghana).

First, they say our dress sense is too modest. A male Ghanaian friend named Koffi pointed out to me that within weeks of keeping close company with three Kenyan women, he observed that our dressing style lacked imagination because we are too practical. My friend accuses us of living in jeans and practical tops. He adds that at the workplace we dress up mainly in trousers, plain skirt suits and sensible tops.

Butterfly look

The West African woman on the other hand is a butterfly and neither her age nor her social class matters. She will outdo herself in order to make an impression and modesty does not exist her vocabulary. Even an outfit worn to work must scream, "Here I am, don’t I look fabulous?" The colours range from moderately bright to absolutely dazzling, depending on her mood. With prices for designer handbags at a staggering $300 — $4,000, Ghanaian women will spend up to their last penny on accessories without batting an eyelid.

Models strut the catwalk in outfits by Ghanaian designer, Kofi Ansa. Photos: Maxwell Agwanda/Standard

Some of my Ghanaian girlfriends have confessed to spending colossal amounts of their income on a gorgeous outfit they felt they had to have, then silently suffering for the rest of the month.

Then comes the dating scene. From my interaction with Ghanaian men, I have learnt that they expect every woman to desire a good man, marry, and be a happy wife and mother. I have seen Ghanaian men practically go into a fit when I refused to give them my phone number.

Both men and women live by the unwritten rule that an offer for friendship (from a man) is never to be turned down. As a friend explained, it is always practical to assume that the guy may come in handy sometime. "You do not have to date him, just keep the number and call him when you need help," she said.

What’s more, Ghanaian women treat their men like kings. While I am not a keen advocate for the school of submission in its entirety, I admit that it has its perks. At the onset of a relationship for instance, the Ghanaian girl will visit her boyfriend, cook and clean for him. Every time he calls her over to help serve his guests, she will run in obedience without any complaint. In Kenya, a man who expects his girlfriend to do so will probably be labelled insane. In fact, the average Kenyan man will view with suspicion every woman who freely avails herself to do his household chores.

Very submissive

The married woman in Ghana also treats her husband like a demi-god — waking up in the early hours of the morning to pound fu-fu and generally showing a level of respect most Kenyan women may never have learnt to accord even to their dads. A Ghanaian friend once mocked, "Oh you Kenyan women! You like reading too much till you forget that books will not grow old with you!".

She says that women who focus too much on their careers and books, often end up with the label ‘trouble women’, which ultimately ruins their prospects for marriage. She adds that while Ghanaian women are aware of the importance of education and a career, their priorities are unfaltering.

But in the Kenyan sense, our priorities result from our post independence upbringing, which is increasingly demanding that we stand up for ourselves and be equal partners in providing financially for the family. Besides, a lot more men in contemporary society are unwilling to marry a woman who cannot support herself. I have encountered women who have been rejected by a potential spouse’s family because her education and career status was not at par with that of their precious son.

All about her husband

Hence, based on this and other factors, the Kenyan woman is learning to be tough and smart in order to survive and win the approval of the community. This has led to the emergence of a crop of financially independent, competent and sexually liberated women. While these qualities may be desirable on the job front in modern Kenya, they are generally abhorred in the context of marriage and sexual relationships.

The trouble comes when the young urban Kenyan woman is forced to accept only days before her wedding — from well meaning aunties and friends — that these qualities are totally unacceptable in a marriage, meaning she must adjust accordingly.

I have attended bridal showers where the bride to be is cautioned that the marriage is all about her husband. Once an independent entity, she is now expected to be submissive to him by following his lead in everything and to generally attend to his whims. Yet this is the same woman who has been nurtured to challenge such stereotypes her entire life. Understandably, this overnight behaviour change presents a huge challenge, and is a contributing factor to why a number of women rarely stay in marriage for long.

Perhaps it is time aunts and mothers gathered to rethink how to balance the knowledge, which they pass on to the girl child. After all, the Bible says, "train up a child in the way he should go and she will not depart from it!

This is why as far as long-term relationships are concerned, the West African woman is way ahead of her Kenyan counterpart in many ways.