Sensing an opportunity in the fad that has taken over young Kenyans who want to become overnight millionaires, a local pastor is in the process of launching a church to specifically cater for betting fanatics. Sources close to the pastor say the church will be named Jackpot International Evangelistic Ministry.
The pastor claims sports, and particularly soccer, betting is God’s answer to the millions of Kenyans who have no access to looting schemes in government. Betting, he argues, will provide a route to wealth for those not in government or can’t access government tenders and other corrupt deals.
“All you Kenyans who have no friends in high places who can help you loot and get rich overnight, your prayers have been answered! With advent of special prayers for sports betting, you must not necessarily be a tenderpreneur to be a millionaire,” the pastor is quoted as saying.
The pastor is also said to be of the view that soccer betting will also help reduce the massive income and wealth inequalities in the country and assist in the attainment of the country’s Vision 2030 goals. Commenting on the many people across the country who have gotten hooked to betting and who are being financially ruined by it, the pastor is said to have attributed their failure to not ‘planting a seed’.
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To increase the odds of success, members of Jackpot International Evangelistic Ministry will thus not only be required to tithe but to buy holy water and other holy accessories. With the holy water, congregants will be required to sprinkle it on their mobile phones before they send their bet to increase their chances of winning.
Jackpot Evangelistic Ministry
There will also be holy oil for applying on ones fingers. “As for the holy oil you can apply it on your hands to soothe your aching fingers... this is especially if you have spent too much time twiddling your thumbs on your tiny screen as you research on probability of this or that team winning...” said the source close to the pastor.
The Jackpot Evangelistic Ministry will be different in that it will not have prayer groups, but rather betting groups where members can meet to discuss betting statistics, information and where the best betting opportunities lie. With the church hall expected to be equipped with Wi-Fi, congregants will be allowed to use the Internet during services to check for betting and information on football matches.
With regards to testimonies, the soon-to-be-launched church has clarified that they will be strictly expected to be based on football and betting. “For anyone who comes to testify about how they were delivered from a bad boss or a bad marriage... the odds of them being thrown out of this church are 100 to 1!” a representative of the pastor who sought anonymity said.
The source close to the pastor promised the sermons will be kept short to allow congregants to return to their favourite sports bars. The church will also not have evening services or night vigils to avoid interfering with soccer matches. With the church expected to be largely attended by men, plain looking ushers are in for a hard time.
“Only ushers with modelling experience and looks will be considered – please send us a full size photo before you apply!” the pastor is said to have insisted.
The pastor is confident he is doing the work of the Lord and has even claimed there’s betting in the Bible. Asked to provide a verse which proves his claim, the pastor said: “Jesus was born in Bet-lehem!”