2021 in review: Stories that stunned, arrested and thrilled Kenyans

Kenyans couldn’t wait to be rid of 2021. Fresh from the mauling we had received from the previous year, there was little to be hopeful about, especially as the pandemic everyone assumed would drop out of school showed up ready for Form Two.

As a result, 2021 became the year of the vaccine. As it rolled out, and politicians bombarded social media with photos of them with their shirt off, Kenyans remained unconvinced, insisting the only Oxford export they trusted was the geometrical set with which they used to find “x” within primary school.

We lost Prince Phillip, the Duke of Edinburgh and Queen Elizabeth’s beau of 74 years as tech giants Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos sat across from their spouses and signed documents. Even celebrities like Kanye West upped and lefted.

But there was plenty of madness on offer as well closer home.

Pastor Pius Muiru, a man who needs no introduction, returned to our lives, this time promising to get us that car of our dreams, by merely sending him Sh10k.

There was a vivacious, unflappable young Kenyan who would dress to kill, and when he performed his music he did just that; rolling around in mud, leaping onto unsuspecting cows and scampering up trees faster than you could say Embarambamba.

A judgemental man calling himself Frankie stood in traffic bearing a sign asking Kenyans if they were happy with their stomachs. He meant to shame us into shedding our ‘visceral’ belly fat, and was promptly reminded that potbellies were a national symbol of pride.

The team behind President Kenyatta’s floral, multicoloured shirts came out to claim their flowers, but opted to retain their individual identities in case someone asked them, “Who is your mother?”

Everyone’s ‘favourite’ uncle, former KFCB boss Ezekiel Mutua, found himself jobless, but not Kenyans were ‘heartbroken’ by the news.

2021 was also the year we were introduced to the hottest new voice since Trio Mio. Shedding the title of Bahati’s Anything, Diana Marua stepped onto the limelight spitting bars, rebranded to Diana B, and was last seen asking Khaligraph if she could help carry the Kenyan rap industry.

From the absurd to the hilarious, here are some of the stories that stunned, arrested, amused and thrilled Kenyans in 2021:

 Governor Mutua, Lillian and a rapper

In August 2021, Governor Alfred Mutua announced that he was parting ways with his partner, Lillian Ng’ang’a “amicably”. The separation would turn nasty shortly after, as the former First Lady of Machakos insisted she was never really a first lady. It did not help that rumours soon surfaced of a third player, a certain rapper who was definitely not dozing in class when they were teaching ‘Biology 101’. Kenyans couldn’t get enough of the charade.

 Caroline Kangogo

The late Corporal Caroline Kangogo was a suspect in the murder of two men; a police officer called John Ogweno and Peter Ndwiga, a businessman. Kangogo was alleged to have gone on a spree, shooting her colleague Ogweno before fleeing to Juja, where they offered Ndwiga a hotel room.

Kenyans were on high alert as Kangogo was on the run. Police described her as armed and dangerous, cautioning members of the public to be wary if they encountered her.

Kangogo was found weeks later, dead, at her parents’ home in Elgeyo Marakwet in July, of an apparent suicide- self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head.

 Mzee Kibor finds true love in Christ

Jackson Kibor is the definition of a maverick. There is very little about the Eldoret tycoon’s life that does not make for a headline-worthy story. His initial claim to fame was playing darts. He was friends with President Moi. He had 26 children, 16 of whom were sons he would not hesitate to sue into oblivion if they looked at his sprawling acres of land funny. In 2017 and 2018, Kibor dished out back-to-back divorces to his wives Josephine Jepkoech and Naomi Jeptoo.

But in May of 2021, Mzee Kibor found the love that had been eluding him all his long life. Dressed in all-white, Kibor surrendered his life to Christ as he was dipped in a swimming pool in a hotel in Eldoret. “No one knows the day or the hour,” he said of the decision to turn away from the ungodly life.

 School burning sparks and return of the rod

Over 40 schools were forced to send students home following a seemingly endless spate of dormitory fires. Whether occasioned by the shorter, more demanding term dates necessitated by the pandemic, or as the final domino in a series which was set off by the Education CS saying learning would have to go on, even if it meant studying under trees like the good old days, it seems students were determined to make their voices heard.

Calls for dialogue were drowned out by the equally loud calls for the reintroduction of caning and corporal punishment. It is not like the lads are quacking in their boots. Curiously, they haven't burnt their homes, despite their softie parents sparing the rod.

Mtwapa hookers vs The Man from Sugoi

Sex workers had a fruitful, eventful 2021.In Nyeri, hot young hookers were left to rue their youth as older, experienced mamas returned to the workplace in force. Thanks to the pandemic, a lot of the prostitutes who had hung up their fishnets shook off the cobwebs and re-entered the ‘workplace’. And what stiff competition they presented.

On Ndumberi Road, a Pastor cried foul over an infestation of prostitutes in the area, women who would mill about outside the church, making it very hard indeed for the spirit to move around and for lost sheep to focus on the Word.

But the biggest headline sex workers made in 2021 came courtesy of a series of exchanges with Deputy President William Ruto, the champion of hustlers.

During a tour of Mtito Andei, the Deputy President found himself face to face with a lady of the night, and after impressing on him the economic hardship faced by sex workers, she got Ruto to commit Sh 1 Million to their organisation (skills of the trade, no doubt). It was a bold move, one that was meant to inspire the hustlers of Mtito Andei, but it also inspired the jealousy of prostitutes from Mtwapa.

Whatever moves their counterparts from Mtito possessed, the Mtwapa legion insisted, they had as well. They were thus just as deserving of a stimulus package. Njoo Mtwapa, they said to the man who would be king. It is unclear whether their invitation got lost in the mail.

 Ferdinand Omanyala races into the history books

The fastest man in Africa is a chap from Busia. He is also the 8th fastest man of all time in the 100M. The track star shattered expectations at the Tokyo Olympics, his first, where he reached the semi-finals of the 100M event with a record of 10 seconds. He promptly set a new record of 9.76 seconds at the KipKeino Classic.

Omurwa’s exploits earned him a commendation from the State, as he was named a National Hero among 200 other Kenyans. He was also gifted a goat, which, we hope, never survived beyond Christmas.

 Baby mama drama

In November, President Kenyatta signed into law a bill that will effectively keep mistresses from inheriting their lover’s property.

It seems an interesting move, considering all the cases involving spouses, mistresses and inheritance that went down in 2021.

Politician Lawrence Nginyo Kariuki passed away in February of 2020. But this year has seen his children go to court over his estate worth over Sh 4 billion.

Samido, the cop-turned-Benga-artiste, reaffirmed that he was happily married, but he did not deny his entanglement with Karen Nyamu, a union which produced a son. Are those two still tumbling in the hay? Who knows?  

Track star Asbel Kiprop also found his dirty linens flapping about in public when his affair with Nancy Jerotich, a woman to whom he wasn’t married, came to the limelight.  Kiprop is now happily engaged, but the affair involving nude photos and an apparent Sh 1 million ‘gift’ was sordid and unpleasant.

As comedian Professor Hammo will tell anyone who cares to ask, these things are best handled behind closed doors. The radio presenter found himself in the news after his partner, Jemutai, blasted his ‘deadbeat dad’ tendencies on social media. He resolved the issue privately by apologizing, an apology which came by way of a title deed.

Perhaps co-wives everywhere can borrow a leaf from Sarafina and Carol, famed Benga artiste John De Matthew’s widows, who get along wonderfully.

 Kamiti Prison shenanigans

I was reminded of the exploits of one Michael Scofield when in November, a trio of convicts escaped from Kamiti Maximum Security Prison.

Mohamed Ali Abikar, Joseph Juma Odhiambo and Musharaf Abdalla, alias Shukri were behind bars for involvement in the Garissa University attack of 2015.

The National Police Service pledged Sh 60 million for anyone who aided in the arrest of the individuals, and perhaps as a result, they were apprehended shortly after.

The Nairobian revealed how, with as little as Sh 1 million, you can live like a king in the country’s worst prison. Just because you’re behind bars doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy chapati with chicken.

 Health announcements stirs up dry spell

Health Cabinet Secretary Mutahi Kagwe was once the darling of social media, thanks to his daily Covid briefings. Understandably, a lot of the women who watched Mutahi’s briefings were left twirling their hair and sending thirsty tweets.

But the lonely hearts club soon found a new target in Chief Administrative Secretary Mercy Mwangangi who threw fuel into the fire by telling Migori residents during a political rally that she was “searching”. It seems you have to be ready for romance if you are to take on a senior job in the Health ministry, unless you are the director of acting, er sorry, Medical Services,  Dr Patrick Amoth.

 Bridget Achieng’, Dr Mukhisa Kituyi break the internet

In June, socialite Bridget Achieng’ was the victim of a leak which splashed a video of her getting dressed online, resulting in much mockery from Kenyans.

Weeks later, another video emerged, this time showing a man who Kenyans believed to be Presidential hopeful Dr Mukhisa Kituyi. The former Secretary-?General of the United Nations Conference on Trade and Development refused to be dragged into a conversation on what he termed ‘non-issues’.

It is clear, though, from the positive responses his video got, contrasted sharply with Bridget’s, that nudes erase all logic in the conversation on gender.

 The return of the Safari Rally

The Safari Rally made a bold, splashy return in 2021, after a 19-year absence. It was welcomed with open arms and joyful hearts as Kenyans flocked in their thousands to Naivasha. The event itself was a roaring success as the country, and the global audience, fell back in love with motorsport racing.

More importantly, Kenyans had fun. So much fun that over 120,000 condoms were used over that weekend with attendees reporting a shortage of prophylactics that almost ruined the event.

 Get the vaccine, or else!

The government has had difficulty selling vaccination, especially older folks who have access to Whatsapp aunties and conspiracy theories. It forced the government to threaten to withhold essential services for those without a vaccination certificate. Really?  Remember Mombasa Governor Hassan Joho saying the jab had caused his libido to shoot up? Why didn’t the Ministry of Health think about something this clever?