Confessions: What do men think when a woman makes the first move?

I have a bit of a problem with forcing issues when it comes to dating. If I really like someone I just tell them and get it over with. I would rather know right then and there if they’re going to run. Am I wrong? Is there a right time to tell someone that I really like them or even that I’m falling for them?

 [Joyce]

What the readers say:

Talking straight will always add value to what you are doing and from the word go it is better to be spot on. However, the danger is the risk of being rash with decision making. 

I would encourage you to take your time so that you do not regret any of your decisions. Meanwhile, stay true to yourself since men will always die for hard-to-get straight-talking ladies.  

Tasma Saka

 Dear Madam,

There is a difference between wanting a man or a woman, needing someone,  loving somebody, or falling in love with someone. You may want a man to buy you something, favour you, or to do something for you. If you want a man for love or marriage, please choose wisely. Socialise with the person for sometimes, have friendly gestures with him, and study him deeply. Madam, you cannot wake up in the morning to meet a man and tell him that you want him. You need to cultivate a sense of love and responsibility first. Take your time to study the behaviour of men as you try to understand what a man needs. Different men behave differently. 

Onyango Outha

Joyce, you have mentioned ‘a problem’. It means that this is not pleasing you too. This characteristic is for the masculine. It is definitely not going to work for you! Now that you have noted this as a problem deal with it once and or all. Time and tide wait for no man, if you continue with this, then be sure that you will be chasing men away instead of the opposite.

 Just as I have mentioned that chasing should be left for the men. Being forceful or acting the same is actually meant to be a ‘man thing’. Men are never comfortable with women who show interest too soon. You cannot lure any sensible man into a relationship. You might be lucky with a needy man, but that won’t last. Just be patient and wait for them to pursue you.

Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo?

Boke says:

Dear Joyce, 

It is a good thing that you can speak your mind. You may not imagine how many people desire to master that kind of courage, and the many lost moments that they wish they could gain back. 

However, communication is not one-sided. I also believe that communication should have a context,  that is both timing and a setting. In the name of being honest and, frank people have destroyed their moments as well as hurt the feelings of the other person. This is all because they take communication to mean emptying one’s mind and emotions. 

Let’s take the example of dating that you have mentioned. I know we’re in a very progressive society but am also aware of the conservative nature especially when it comes to matters of relationships. Meaning that many men would still want to be in the lead as far as expressing their love to the woman, more so at the initial stages. So if your approach is directed to someone with a conservative nature you can only imagine the kind of response to expect. You will have scared the poor chap, he would end up erecting a high wall around themselves because they feel invaded. Not many people will appreciate this. Eventually your being forthright would not produce the desired outcome. 

I believe there is always an opportune time for everything, be on the lookout for that time or create a suitable setting. Besides that, verbalise your feelings at the point when you are sure that the feeling is mutual. If you cannot establish that then be patient and continue being a valuable company to have.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationship

Simon says:

Joyce, you must have a bold and courageous character. This is a good thing in the present times and other than in the dating scene it could take you very far in life. Now, when it comes to the dating scene such a strong character could be a good thing and a bad thing depending on the situation and the persons involved. Of course your courage to tell men that you like that you really like them is somewhat a little off the rail according to the general rules and the expected natural sequence of events in the dating scene where the man is always expected to maintain the initiative in terms of affirming his affection first to a lady and not the other way round. This can, therefore, be a risky affair and it could also have its rewards.

Why would it be a risky affair? When a woman approaches a man and appears to be leading him on or makes a direct move which may include making that first gesture of contact, declaring their affection for the guy in the course of what appears to be a normal friendship – this to many men somewhat weird. By so doing, the lady is considered to be out of order by “taking matters into her own hands”. Any of those acts could appear as acts of despair or a display of force-full, manipulative behaviour which are rather unfavourable perceptions for a man to have about a woman and is in many times an outright turn-off. However, this is mainly for men that have difficulties handling strong women and hence it could be a good thing if you are having your eyes on the right man.

This could only be a good thing if the man under your radar is open-minded, emotionally intelligent, and courageous. An open-minded man will know that you are just being expressive rather than desperate and needy while a man with emotional intelligence would know that initiative can come from any side and that what matters is the end result rather than the nitty-gritties of who said hi to who first. A bold and courageous man would know that even if you took the bold move to make that first critical step, it is time for him now to take the initiative and steer the relationship from here on forward and would not be under the illusion that he would be “sat-on” for the rest of his life. The main variable in this situation would be the character of the man in question. It is ok for a woman to make the first move but only if the man in question can handle it.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor