Individualism, as illustrated in making decisions without accountability, is one recipe for unfulfilling marriages and a precursor to many break-ups, writes ANTHONY CHEGE
You have always known how to budget your money, when to travel home and even how to plan your career goals.
But, on your wedding day, your freedom to make these and other decisions is taken away at the stroke of a pen. The moment you get married you sign off your life to another person. Whereas you don’t entirely lose the independence of making decisions, you soon discover that the responsibility of marriage calls for agreement and constant consultations.
The beauty, however, is someone else loses his too and the two of you jointly get into a mutual partnership. Here none is greater than the other.
Start early
Submitting to consultations is not easy. It is will likely feel strange and limiting. However, when we appreciate that our partners will also be sacrificing and listening to us, we are able to commit to the journey and enjoy it together.
Start joint decision-making immediately you get married and understand that in the beginning it will be hard to adapt. Nonetheless, after enjoying the fruits, you will be motivated enough to keep doing this and keep your marriage growing.
Shared life
The reality of marriage is that it takes two people and a lot of hard work. Anticipate that most of your next life becomes a shared one. Your decisions are no longer yours to make alone. Your salary, for example, stops being yours and together with his translates to becoming ‘our money’. This does not expressly mean bringing the entire salary home, but rather the accountability of how the two of you spend the money.
You will need constant consultations and the wisdom and courage to respect and accommodate each other’s views, needs and desires.
The beauty of joint decisions is they enrich a union. Consultative decision-making in a home helps one respect their spouse and appreciate how they see things. It ensures their needs and desires are met.
Individualism, as illustrated in making decisions without accountability, is one recipe for unfulfilling marriages and a precursor to many break-ups. If you look closely around you at failing marriages, you are likely to see a couple that never consults. You will get a man who uses his money as he pleases and a woman who buys anything she admires without consideration.
Making sacrifices
Joint decision-making in marriages often causes you to compromise your plans for the good of the union. I, for example, had to suspend my postgraduate studies for a year to settle down with my new wife. The fruits I am enjoying today are far above the sacrifice I made.
The goal of marriage is to share your life with someone else. This sharing calls for sacrifices, concessions and at times losses. You may never appreciate the importance of suspending your studies to spend the first year of marriage with your spouse until a girlfriend comes crying to you since she can no longer connect with her spouse. Reason: Their first year of marriage was crowded with school and work.
Consulting your husband/wife does not mean that he/she has control over you. It is appreciating that you now live in a union and making joint decisions contributes to its success and growth.
In instances where you may be making all efforts to consult while the other does not, don’t give up. Soberly express your dissatisfaction with the trend while continuing to set a good example.
