When women pay their bride-price

Traditionally, the payment of bride-price has been the responsibility of the man and his family. But women are increasingly helping out their men in this for various reasons. KENAN MIRUKA explores the trend

The practice of bride-price payment has, since medieval times, remained a fixture in many a union between man and woman.

In most societies, the groom pays the bride-price to the bride’s family as token appreciation and as compensation to them for ‘losing a daughter’.

Marriage experts say women can consider bride-price payment as an investement towards building a strong family. [PHOTO POSED BY MODELS]

Normally, after lengthy negotiations between the two families, the groom’s father would pay the bride-price, in form of cattle, to the bride’s father. But these days probably owing to hard economic times, the onus is wholly on the groom to come up with the bride-price. Many parents are in turn looking at the bride-price payment as a source of income, hence their persistence should there be a delay from the man in meeting this demand.

secret payment

So what happens when a man cannot raise the money needed to pay the bride-price? What we are seeing is women taking up the task of paying their bride-price to their parents, albeit secretly, in connivance with the grooms.

Jane*, a nurse, had cohabited with Andrew,* a P1 teacher, for three years. Her parents kept inquiring when her in-laws would formalise their union by paying bride-price. Whenever she broached the subject with Andrew, he would say that his first priority at the time was to educate his siblings.

When pressure from her parents mounted, Jane took a Sh70,000 loan and convinced her husband to top up with Sh30,000, with which they used to pay the bride-price.

Parents from both sides were kept in the dark about the arrangement and may perhaps never know.

Miriam Wafula, a banker in Eldoret, too paid her bride-price on behalf of her husband Eric, 18 years ago.

family expense

At the time, she was employed while her husband wasn’t, yet her parents wanted to cement ties with the in-laws.

"We discussed the matter with my husband and although he was at first uncomfortable, I had to convince him that we were meeting a family expense just like any other," says Miriam.

That arrangement has remained a secret between the couple for this long. Many women would shudder at the thought of paying their bride-price on behalf of their husbands ostensibly for fear of upsetting traditional order, but it is happening.

"If my family happens to be too demanding and they can’t give us peace yet I am able to help, why not give my man a hand?" says Delvin Sage, a hotelier.

The reasons why women opt to pay the bride-price vary. For Jerop, a Kericho based banker, her husband’s jobless status threatened to destabilise their union as her parents demanded bride-price payment.

The situation was complicated further because her husband comes from another tribe and she was three months pregnant. She took a loan with which her husband used to pay bride-price.

But even in traditional societies there were certain instances when a woman paid her bride-price. In some communities for example, women in polygamous unions paid bride-price on behalf of their husbands to secure the marriage and gain respect in their marital home.

"According to most traditions, cattle belong to the man and so a woman in a polygamous union would arrange and pay bride-price for herself through the husband," says Moses Okioga, a Kisii elder.

Richard Koech, a magistrate, advocates for the woman to help where a man is not able to pay the bride-price.

"It is more of an arrangement between spouses because to the traditional society, it would sound bad. In this era though, if a man for some good reason is not able, the lady can help," adds Koech.

Koech, however, says that the arrangement may backfire when one of the spouses betrays the other or brings up the matter in arguments.

Akur Thon, a Sudanese working in Nairobi says anyone can pay bride-price so long as there is love.

"Marriage in the African context is communal, meaning either side can meet the expenses of the wedding. But, the man may feel inferior or his parents may not agree to this as much as the lady might be ready to pay her bride-price," Akur says.

against traditions

Tony Onani, a teacher at Homabay High School, however says it would be going against traditions for the woman to pay bride-price.

"Nowadays, the world is flexible but my conscience won’t be at peace. Society is such that the man pays bride-price and this is how it should remain. It may be a secret but people will know, somehow," warns Onani.

Maureen Andere in Mombasa equates it to a woman marrying herself with the risk of subjecting herself to ridicule from society.

"It is a matter of the man taking responsibility. If he can’t pay my bride-price, how can he feed me? All the bills in the house will be on my account and that is unacceptable. What if he strays? It will be painful," argues Maureen.

Sally Ndegwa, a Counselling Psychology student at Daystar University says bride-price payment by the man is a traditional mentality.

"For liberated men, there should be no problem since the woman meets the expense to build their family. These days, the bride’s family meets a large part of the wedding expense so bride-price should not be a big deal," argues Sally.

Pastor Risper Watindi, a marriage counsellor in Eldoret says it is all about one’s attitude.

"Only those men with inflated egos and pride would be harsh and try to cover up," says Risper.

She argues that the couple should put family interests before ego and therefore treat bride-price payment as an investment towards building a strong family.

"In the past wedding functions were communal and collective affairs. Women who earn more should not feel they are losing if they pay bride-price. Instead they should take it as an investment to reduce friction in the union," adds the pastor.