By Nyambura Maina
I recently discovered that my wife has been to see a mganga to make me remain faithful to her. She buys love potions and other dubious concoctions and has been feeding me with them without my knowledge. I was shocked and angered by her actions since I have never thought of straying from home. I work long hours, even on weekends and this probably led to her suspecting me. I believe she got advice from some of her female friends at work and this worries me a lot. I no longer trust that I am safe at home and have been thinking of moving out. What can you advise me to do?
It would not be far-fetched to propose that infidelity and finances are the two contributing factors most likely to lead to marital strife in Kenya. Traditional herbalists and ‘love doctors’ have been quick to come up with solutions to soothe the hearts and minds of many spouses. Driving around in urban areas today, it is easy for one to spot notices plastered onto telephone and power poles reading: ‘Daktari wa mitishamba from TZ, Zanzibar...’ — the potency of their medicines being linked to the origin of the traditional doctor. Without a doubt, these traditional doctors are here to serve a need that has hitherto gone unmet. Clients traverse the socio-economic scales, coming from all backgrounds.
With that in mind, it is easy to see how your wife gained access to the love potions and other concoctions she has been administering to you without your knowledge.
It came as a shock to you and you are no longer comfortable sharing one roof with your wife. You are angered by her actions and worry that she is getting wrong advice from her colleagues. Yet in your own words, you have admitted that you bear some responsibility in raising her suspicions.
Even though you have remained faithful, your wife interpreted something different and this led her to taking drastic measures. In other words, the signals you are giving her say you would rather occupy your time away from her. Being at work all the time conveys the message that you have no desire to be in her company.
Your dedication to your work has led to your wife feeling left out and probably starved for attention and intimacy.
Her actions though extreme, came from a place of good intentions — that of restoring your marriage and rekindling the flames of intimacy. It is important that you talk things out before making any hasty decisions borne out of anger and disappointment.
Spend time together and understand what love and commitment mean for both of you. It is obvious that you have different expectations of each other that have not been communicated fully and in a way that is understood. With the same energy that you invest in your work, choose to spend some time to discuss the matter. If you find it too difficult to express yourselves, seek professional assistance from a counsellor.
Common counsel
Eliminate secrets
Any marriage needs proper communication to survive. It is the things that stay hidden that can sabotage the integrity of a marriage. Keeping secrets will definitely harm your relationship with your wife. Advise her to tell you her problems next time so she doesn’t have to resort to dishonest tactics.
Tony, Mombasa
Avail yourself
Dickson, your wife sought outside help for her problem because she has probably tried to reach you many times before but you are too busy with work. If you were available to her more, both physically and emotionally, then she wouldn’t have taken such desperate measures. It is time you cut down on your work hours and put in more quality time with your family. Failure to do this will put an end to your marriage.
Helen Cera
Easy prey
Dickson, when a woman receives little or no attention from a man, she becomes easy prey for other opportunistic individuals. You mentioned that her workmates advised her to visit the witchdoctor. Maybe these same workmates are in cahoots with the mganga to skim off as much money from your wife as possible. She could also become easy prey for other men who can see that she is lonely and frustrated. They may take advantage of her, all because she longs for love and affection. It is your duty to protect her from harm by giving her what she needs.
Stanley B
Unlikely mistress
I am a big fan of Nigerian movies and they seem to use a lot of traditional medicine in their homes. It only backfires if someone has ill intentions towards another. In your case, however, your wife was only looking for your love. You have admitted to having a mistress, your job. The job can be just as serious a mistress as a seductive woman. Your wife only wanted to have your undying love. Do not punish her by leaving.
Yvonne, 28
You are not being straight
Sometime we are captives of our own spouses, living in bondage of our own creation. The struggle between you and your wife is all about love. You must admit that you are up to something fishy. But what your wife is doing is uncouth and can’t be stomached in this day and age. Your coming home late is suspicious. Your wife loves you and she is ready to do anything to keep the relationship burning. Dickson, life is full of ups and downs but do not think of divorcing your wife. Iron out your differences.
Balla Wycliffe
Idle mind is Devil’s workshop
Dickson, your wife is insecure because you have become workaholic, shunning your husbandly roles. She needs reassurance that she is not losing the marriage to another woman. She is indulging in witchcraft out of ignorance. Maybe she is idle and her mind has turned into a devil’s workshop. Change your behaviour for the benefit of the marriage. You should be married to your wife not your job. She too should be engaged in some economic activity or community work if she is not busy at home. See a marriage counsellor.
Bernard Bonyo, Tanzania
She doesn’t trust you!
It is clear that your woman does not trust you, yet trust is a vital ingredient in any relationship. Going to a mganga is an extreme move and a recipe for disaster. The dubious concoctions could cause you harm that your woman seems not to care about. For that reason, I can comfortably say that she is selfish, an extremist and a shame to womenfolk. The fact that you are working hard to provide for the family should move any reasonable woman to give her man support and a peace of mind. Brother, you are not safe. Verdict: Move out!
Mildred Gumbo
Buy a laptop
With more women than men in this country, every married woman is always on the alert, protecting her territory. Some believe in prayer, others cook nice foods while others, like your wife, go to traditional medicine men to contain their men. You must have been traumatised to discover what your wife was up to. Search your soul to find out what you did wrong for her to act this way. Assure her of your love and commitment. Invest in a laptop computer and carry work home if you must. She loves you and is only trying to keep you.
Regina Jepkemoi
