Sue gets lost in dusty Vasha

The Safari Rally frenzy is finally over. Naivasha has gone back to being the quiet town that only receives a handful of holidaymakers when the Yuletide season comes in.

The notorious partying gangs of Nairobi are finally back home, as are the guttural sounds of Subaru engines that defined a weekend of sporting fun and unprecedented debauchery. And Sue, the only person from Gitegi who went to Vasha last weekend, is finally back home.

About three days before the Safari Rally kicked off, I told Uncle Harold that this year’s rally would be in Naivasha.

He heard Safari and Rally and shouted, from under his cassock, which is also his duvet, “I thought Larry went to work abroad. You did not tell me he is now with Safaricom!”

National anthem

But if he had intended to make us laugh, he found himself the laughingstock of the village when it was discovered that Sue had gone missing.

Apparently, a battered Subaru had lumbered down the dusty road to the shopping centre that Wednesday and a man who spoke English without an accent that would betray where he came from hopped out.

He went inside the pub, took a swig or two, then stepped out and into the sunlight. Soon, Sue staggered after him and into the Subaru which, after a few failed starts, raced down and away into the distance.

For the rest of the week and the weekend, there were no visits to the watering hole for Harold, and neither was there any break from ridicule for him as villagers took every chance to remind him that he had been played on that one as he had always played them with their offertory and unanswered prayers.

So my investigative team took to the streets, trying to unearth who that man was.

“He was short like you, and wore a T-shirt written I Love Naivasha, Yoh,” said one interviewee who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of sounding stupid.

“I Love Naivasha, Yoh?” “Yes. Or what does I Love NY mean? With something that looks like a flag with many stars? Are those not the rally stars now in Naivasha?

I wanted to ask them if they knew The Star-Spangled Banner, but these are the same people who sing our national anthem rounded off to the nearest mother tongue. So, finally, we gave up on the search.

A short man who wore short shorts, and who sported shady shades, had snatched Sue away.

As the race was ongoing, Harold sat inside the church until late evening, trying to see if there was a way he was going to spot Sue in the crowds.

He did not enjoy the races, and he switched from station to station, even during news hour, trying to spot the face of his estranged girlfriend. Nothing worked.

When, on Sunday, Safari Rally winners were feted and party animals staggered out of Naivasha trying to locate their homes again, Sue hobbled down Gitegi’s only superhighway, a dusty road that leads to nowhere, and waited for the old Subaru.

He sat next to a grove and waited, hoping it would come from anywhere inside there since it was a Subaru Forester.

HAHA

That Sunday, Harold Assemblies of Holy Associates (HAHA) remained closed. When the faithful demanded to know why, Harold said that the church keys were not feeling well and had refused to open the lock.

Sunday, Sue did not return. Monday was also another frustrating day for our priest, who spent the day feeling sick and cursing. He plotted a revenge scheme.

And then on Tuesday, Gitegi Rumour Mill received a notification that Sue had reemerged.

She was opening the bar again, and the thirsty patrons of our beloved village were queuing outside, welcoming her with song and dance, baying for a swig.

But when she opened it, she was shocked. All the beers had been carted away by what seemed like a person who had easy access into the bar. “Only one person has the keys to this place,” she lamented. “That is the thief.”

As the village waited to see how Uncle Harold was going to react to the reappearance of his lover, the man was seated in the house drinking himself crazy.

His spokesperson, yours truly, was on hand to remind Sue that while she opened her heart to a strange Subaru guy, she had unknowingly opened the pub for Harold. And courtesy of the opening of both, the church had not been opened.

Both were about to open cases against each other; one possibly asking for a divorce and the other asking for compensation for lost property.

If the jury meets this July for this duty, then not even the weekend drama in Naivasha will match the fireworks that Gitegi will see.

ptheuri@standardmedia.co.ke