Harold's empty pockets save him from divorce

SUNDAY MAGAZINE |
Sue Threatens to Divorce Harold.

Shukra, my girlfriend, once told me that in The Vatican, once in a while, people will witness a white smoke that is followed by a Pope sound. It was a funny pun until I saw black smoke accompanied by screams coming from the local drinking hub where the local gossip mill assembles once a week.

Rumour has it that Harold had been ousted as the chairman of Gitegi Gossip Mill and would soon be forced to either relinquish his church or lose his membership in the drinking spree. The embattled local pastor, who only last week started plans to make Gitegi a kingdom and name Sue queen, was about to lose Sue.

This came hot on the heels of Bill Gates, one of the world’s richest men, and his wife Melinda French Gates, announcing that they were divorcing.

While the Gates were divorcing while swimming in plenty, Harold was being left by Sue because he was poorer than any church mouse that ever staggered into Harold Assemblies of Holy Associates (Haha) church.

In Gitegi, there are three types of courts. One has magicians, more like clowns, and we call it a magic-straight court. In the other, drunkards form the jury and seeing to it that they are always under the influence, we call it the high court. The last one stands on top of a hill, and this is called the court of uphill, highest on the land, literally.

However, no court wanted to listen to Harold, so Sue was winning, hands down.

A delegation tried to convince Sue to hold on, at least until Christmas. We told Sue about McKenzie Bezos and how she had earned herself a fortune by divorcing Jeff. We told him about women who are rich because they divorced at a time when their more famous husbands were leading big companies.

“Leave him only when he has some money on him. Like on Sunday afternoon. And that is a good Sunday afternoon. Then claim half his wealth,” a shrewd spokesperson argued.

Sue had underestimated the combined wisdom we brought forth, six of us each with an IQ of around 40 and as a unit, we just about convinced her to stay with Harold.

Buoyed by Sue’s sudden change of mind, which also reinstated him as the chairman of the gossip mill, Harold decided to throw a party. 

The sermon was changed to why women should never leave their husbands. When he gave an example of the Biblical Job and alluded to his wife, Sitis, who was unsupportive and was not part of Job’s blessings that came after he was healed, someone shouted: “At least she had a job to hold onto!”

In the sermon, Harold used all the puns Shukra had helped me make, including that Melinda would now pay her own Bills, and that Gates had forgotten to shut his Windows.  

Harold asked the congregation to make sure that they did not fall into the temptation of divorce, or of anything else that was against the dictates of the church.

It was thus a little embarrassing when, that same evening, when preparing for the party he had decided to throw us, Harold fell into temptation. When temptation calls, it pulls Harold out of the house and beckons him every step of the way until he commits a crime. Most often it is no crime; temptation draws him to the local watering hole where he drinks everything he preaches against.

This night it took him to Githendu’s, where he was nearly caught after stealing three hens only months ago. This time he was caught red-handed. The courts, most probably all, will handle the matter.

ptheuri@standardmedia.co.ke

 

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