Hawkers with uncanny instincts

By John Kariuki

A young woman saunters into a pub with a hot pot balanced on her head, shouting, "Mayai moto pamoja na kachumbari! Kumi kumi tu (hot boiled eggs and salad, for ten shillings only!)"

The pub roars with laughter. After bargaining, the man buys the pliers and claw hammer and says this will save him from visiting the nearest hardware shop. He swears that he will fix his bed promptly as soon as he arrives home, but the conclusion on the listeners’ faces is that he will sleep the moment he reaches home.

This man’s confession ignites a debate in the pub. A regular client says that he finds buying petty items such as socks and handkerchiefs from exhibition centres and shops tedious and purchases all these conveniently from hawkers while taking beer. He tickles everybody by claiming that he prefers "raising the curtain from his eyes" (getting drunk a bit) so as to bargain wisely and make an informed and fair choice of items that he intends to buy.

Thugs in disguise

A man seated next to him has a different story. He gives a chronology of events leading to his dislike for hawkers and their stuff. He found himself in a most annoying and embarrassing situation recently when he bought some examinations popularly known as CATs for his class four daughter with the intention of complementing her teachers’ efforts.

"I fished out Sh30 for a roll of these assessment tests and stashed them in my pocket without much ado," he says. When he got home, he gave them to his daughter. To his chagrin, she questioned the credibility of the examinations after only a cursory glance.

"The exams were riddled with errors ranging from spelling to grammatical mistakes and I ordered that they be consigned to the dust bin," he says.

His wife self-righteously warned him against buying "useless stuff from River Road" and gave an account of numerous things she had dumped after failing her test of quality and standards.

Other patrons agree that indeed hawkers often peddle substandard goods. They offer their sympathies to the chap for being the laughing stock of his family that evening.

Let’s face it, many people are grateful for our liberalised economy that has created the ubiquitous hawkers. These vendors’ instincts are roundly acclaimed as uncanny for they conjure up merchandise — from wheel hub covers, umbrellas, underwear to razor blades — at the most opportune moment and place.

But whereas some people suspect that some hawkers could be thugs in disguise, scouting pubs in search of people to waylay and mug, the jury is in: They are beneficial.

Gerald Wanjohi, a teacher, believes that hawkers’ wares are often pocket-friendly. Besides, these men and women often help you to choose the right item.

Wanjohi says there are some things that men only dream of buying for their women but can’t gathers the courage to go into a boutique to ask for them.

Discreet enough

"I cannot simply go into a regular clothes shop with female shop attendants and ask for women’s underwear and accessories like brooches and necklaces. But I can always buy these discreetly from hawkers at street corner or in a pub,"

And like most men, Wanjohi has a problem knowing his wife’s size when buying her lingerie. "But the wily hawkers often ask me to point to any woman same size and shape with my wife and they magically work out the attire with the dimensions that fit," he says.

Wanjohi is a true romantic and sees hawkers as bringing love closer to men’s hearts and haunts with their merchandise.

Wanjohi’s views are shared by Manasseh, a beauty therapist in Nyahururu. He says that hawkers have redefined men’s concept of gift giving in romance by marketing appealing women’s lingerie that is priced for the low end customer.

"Men can buy their women trendy and flattering presents at any time without feeling embarrassed," he says. He says that hawkers’ instincts are mysterious and gives the example of a man who only took a look at him and promised to come back the following morning with a new product that would interest him.

"He came back with a decadent looking red thong, a garment that I had only seen in women’s magazines," says Manasseh. "Hizi ndizo zimetokea siku hizi! (These are the in-thing now)," the hawker said helpfully. Manasseh says that he was both shocked and fascinated and decided to give the thong a try. He has never understood why the hawker chose him from the six men and women in the beauty salon where he works as his pioneer customer in Nyahururu. But he admits that the guy was discreet enough to deal with him in a personal and non-embarrassing way. Significantly, the garment was well received when he took it home.

A friend, Cobra, buys most of the small but essential things from a hawker with whom he has formed a nodding acquaintance. "This guy finds me drinking and he presents razor blades, men’s boxers, shoes, handkerchiefs, nail cutters and socks," says Cobra. According to Cobra, this particular hawker has a sense of duty for he has supplied him with some essential security items that a man ought to have. "It all began when he flashed out a dagger from his overcoat and showed it to me while I was haggling over the price of an innocuous thermos flask," says Cobra. "Sema, mzee hakai hivyo tu! (What do you say? A man does not stay defenseless)," the hawker had said.

Pornographic DVDs

Thanks to this hawker’s insight, Cobra has now built up an impressive arsenal consisting of a Somali sword, a studded club and a Swiss hunting knife.

Stella Mwihaki, a secretary in Nairobi, has nothing but praise for hawkers. She has been buying most of her perfumes and beauty accessories from hawkers. "One particularly resourceful hawker anticipates my needs and sells me the right items when I need them most," says Mwihaki.

While alighting from matatus in the morning at her place of work, Mwihaki is always grateful that this chap is usually on hand with phone credit vouchers and chewing gum ready for her.

"On rainy evenings, I have often pondered how I would get home but this man would magically be selling new umbrellas at the bus stop. At times he gives me a black polythene bag for free to cover my hair," says Mwihaki.

She says that the hawker has many customers in the office where she works. He has such an uncanny business instinct that he knows exactly what each person is likely to buy.

The man’s understanding of his customers is thorough and he frequently sells cuff links, neckties and pornographic DVDs to some of her male colleagues.

But Marion Wangari is still smarting from a con trick that she suffered in the hands of a crafty hawker recently. The man was peddling a 3G mobile phone handset at a cheap price. "Ordinarily, that brand of phone goes for Sh17,000 but this guy was ready to take Sh8,000," says Marion. They were in a matatu. She held the handset in her hand and inspected it. The man even allowed her to Google through the phone.

But when she put the phone down to take out the money from her purse, the hawker took it ostensibly to take out his SIM card. He then exchanged it with a similar looking shell of a phone!

"It was only after he had left with my money that I thought of inserting my SIM card in the phone. And to my horror, the inside of the phone was stuffed with clay!" says Marion.

She cautions people not to give items back to hawkers once they have decided to buy them. It’s prudent to pay when the merchandise is firmly in their hands.

Gender debate

I remember the case of a hawker who was selling whips made from old tyres in a Mombasa bound bus. "Viboko jamani, viboko! (Buy whips!)," he shouted.

He cracked one whip fiercely through the air but nobody was interested in buying. He lamented that were it not for the endangered status of the hippo, he would have brought the real hippo hide whips instead of the tyre ones.

Then he started wheedling: "Hamtaki kununua hata ya kupiga bibi? (You don’t even want to buy one to beat your wife with?)," he asked.

The passengers burst out laughing and the inevitable gender debate broke out.