BBA's Eviction Bash

Smitta Smitten

Last Furahiday started at the KTN stoodios wit the wunnerful Resian, n the not-so-awesome I, doin the Pulse review; followed by Big Brother evictee Nick W, n Stellaski Lemons of DStv, doin their interview.

Flash forward to jioz, n we were again wit Stella Ondimu, n the Sharonova, in a Skylux lift, poopin’ the VIP extension where a party waz getting’ flung for the greatestrep we’ve ever had in the BBA hao, the Nick Wangosh.

Yvonne of Skylux, as always, waz most warm n welcummin to us. Phil, the Skylux steward, tole us he always nunuas the Friday gazeti coz of this rag, so mo power to the mopao!

Danny Kaiga, the bouncer, shewed us our way upstair to the veep backroom, all white leather couches, black curtains, neon taas —  n da random roach. Fumigators, n new tables in dat backroom, needta check inta Skylux, like pronto.

Intercon party

My boy, Shaffie, whom we’d earlier hang out at the Intercon on Wenski wit kina Muendos, n Stellaski, waz like the nyte MCee. (CEO waz at the Intercon too dat nyte, but I dint see the dude, te he).Las tyme I waz in Skylux, twas Raverend’s B-Dae, n he was in black n yeller,  spending cheddar “like no-one’s bizness,” to be ole skool.

On Furahiday, the Shaf was takin a backseat as Nick shone in the spotlight of his eviction party. Lemme get the past outta the way, straightaway. Nick is the best big brother we’ve ever had down in SA. Alex Holi was an ascholi. Jeff Anthony, the ‘novelist,’ liked bonking the ground; n looked like a crossbreed tween an hippo n a water buffalo.

No sooner had Ted sed ‘hallo,’ then twas time to say ‘sayonara’ to the hao. Jeremy looked good, so the dudettes tole me, but the dude waz a serious ‘blonde’ n vibed like someone who’s kiongo is on vacation. My gal Kwambox had perso, but also came across as slightly psycho – although she doin’ good in Lagos.

Milly ... well, lemme save my commentskis on the chicka 4 now, till she get her buttski evicted! But I’ll give yu the comments of my dear bro , CEO. Ati she is not an actress, but a cateress from one of those bush schools in Tumutumu! (N that makeup, n her uso that looks like it was bombed in Mogadishu, waaahhh).

N why waz Nick W. evicted? Coz Kenyans don’t vote, simple.

Luclay, the loud, crazy n kinda unstable South African got just thateen more votes than our lad, Nick. Watt is it wit us? Can’t we just rally behind one of our own, n wish ‘em well?

Too many miros down here r juzz self centred prickskis if yu ask me. Which yur not – but I’ll go ahead n tell ya, anyway. Some ‘aunty’ takes a Campo chicka called Mercy to a party, where fifteen of her gal pals supposedly are @t.

She gets kerorod, sparks, smashes some glasses, n is ‘escorted’ outta there at midnyte by some hefty bouncers. Does one of her so-called pals go out, or check on her, or anyzing (inkludin the auntski, yud think blood is thicker than wine)?

No-oooo! They juzz go on havin’ a good ole merry tyme, drinkin like flies in a pit laterine, while theya ‘buuddy gal’ gets ravished, asphyxiated, run over, or warrever ...

Skylux lounge

Anyway, at the Skylux lounge bash, I sat down wit Wangeci Murage of DStv n her gal pals, n o’er a bottla vodoski – or two – we chatted away on all kindsa gas, from the unserious, to the ridiculous. Watt can I say? Wangeci rocks like an electric guitar.

Nick, as he loosened from lotsa loose shots ( he now should ban that leatherjale, coz he’s vaad it from his eviction, to Jo’burg, to Nai Wenski nyte, to the Skylux bash – only James Murua is allowed to wear one leather jale to every VIP bash in tao), opened up.

This 4rm a dude who doesn’t open up easy. As he tole Kim gal wen he waz still in the BBAmplified, “I have buddies who’ve known me for five years, but they donno my background. So why wud I wanna tell yu who I am after just six weeks?”

I so-ooo feel Nick! I meself detest nuccas who wanna know where I was zaliwad, went to chuo, n wazzup wit me, five minits after I meet ‘em. Watt program am I on? ‘Twenny Queshons’? Thaz why I’ll never ever become a savedie, in this lifetime, or the hell after it.

Smart chap

Ati testimonials n front of a crowd of mah-effers I donno, n don’t wanna know? Hell nyet!

Watt yu myt not know about Nick? His ole man is Sammy Lui, some protocol big shot in the ‘house up the hill.’ ( which kumbushas me, I do miss Xtine Tum some).

N he has a very high EQ, n in the true nature of nerdz everywhere, even wen we don’t look like it, we bonded. Till sum chilez came callin 4 his attention, n dude disappeared.

Nick W has been single for six years, n I can tell ya he’s a good catch for the gals (unless, of course, he’s gay, heh heh). N his big bro waz Chris Kamau of ‘Five Alive,’ who now lives in L.A (ya Statoe, sio hio ya wakina Eva Wachuka).

Two of Kenya’s smoothies, Kelvin Koome, n el presidente Tom Aosa, pitiad by to say ‘hi.’ N we gotta rock Ole Polos with the boyz soon. The paps called TBK waz in da house, sitting in a corner wit two chickas – one of them been our Eve Gal, Flo. Hio storo ya kuwa poacher sio poa, jo, ho ho.

Kenny Kaburu, our brilliant illustrator, waz on some brown brew. Its his B-dae kesho, so happy one, bro.

Letz party, kesho, like it is 1999!

No beef

N belayted bdae-greetings to young Bryan Ondimu, who waz also in the hao wit his funky young chick, n a cool geeky buddy. N Pius, recovered fom the Nonini thooping, waz going about his biznit, beatin’ snapskis!

Talkin of Nons, he send a press statement last week to other papers ati our story about him hurting Pius “was an exaggeration,” and as far as he was concerned, he “didn’t assault anybody.”

How can one exagerrate an incident that never happened? Nons oughta know some of us went to good schools, not ‘California Primary, Nursery, High School n Wagenge Woodwork College’ in Wangige.