Scene At with Smitta Smitten
Last weekend, we all (the ‘we’ here been tha direktors’ of Hooters, or EA’s mostest soccer hooliganskis) rolled to Ole Polos to review the soccer season — actually, to rarua nyama, drink beer n tukana each other peacefully in our natural habitat.
Yaani, si ni wildlife down tu sana.
In me case, we rolled up there wit Stellaski Ondimu n peer Ndinda Mulwaski in Estelle’s car, le Lemonski. N drank chang’aa from Langata’s Uchski mart on de rut up deya; where we joined all de other boyz, n the Hooter gals (see pix) 4 fun-tymes.
Later rolled bak tao wit wakina CEO, Stevo n Co in Ash’s harsh limo, then joined Real Solo of STV, Phoebe Archie, Muga Noancelotti n a whole lotta folkskis at Ash’s Westy digs for cool pool tymes. But the ‘Banter’ has all dat ole Polos chatter from the gutter.
6 Month Review
Watt the Smitta’s gotta do is to take yu thru the six month party review. And if yu think the party started on January 1st, ya need ta get out of ya crib more often n smell the coffee, the beer, n evn the pee 4rm walevis in da mornin’.
Photo Pius Cheruiyot |
The Pulse bash year end two thao n 8 was like Gwen Stefan d say "oh so two thousand n great". Twas at Blu Times n we had all tha guests aroun’ town — from our homegrown talents like Cynthia Makuyu (she n espe the Rama man are doan a fab job on KTN dawn), to drinkin born-agains like our manyake man Circute n Pilipili, to the born feelanga frees ( n dats watt we call ole skool slang, mohine) Sheila Kwamboka of Big Lesbo Sista fame (Olga bosibori, beau erongori) to the usual party animal top suspects like Sir Henry n Dennis Ndavi of ‘Ome-Mboyz produckshizzle!
Jan- Bash o the Month
That has just gotta be the Westgate launch of the M-Net show at tha Westgate dat was just top drawer, n has since only been rivalled by Lupita Nyongo’s efforts wid her filmski In Me Genes.
Tha Oyier brodas really put on a show (I like Mike) wit tha red carpet, red sherbet, glitterin’ guest list, MC Fareed of Capital studio 53.984 n everything waz glitterin — esp tha red hot talent of the poetess actress Neema Mawiyoo, who like Nikki Mwanyigski, juss so happens to be a triple threat. Wit talent like death.
I hang out wit my fave big shots like DStv boss Stephen Isabosske, M-Net maestro Wangeci Moorage, hot shots like Patricia A Mirror n even nucca-crazy miros like our bro, Pip Ogolla (tha only Obiero among odieros in tha recent Rhino Charge, competin, n the brother broke his butt-hack)!
Sadly, if yu give a Jangsta cheddar to make cool slick sh*t like movies, he ll spend it like a mad mullah in Terereran. I mean juzz look at our man from Kogelo in Amero, Barack, burnin the green bucks in bail outs! Paul Oyier n his crew was no diffski. They created $ 100 000 episodes (lads, this ain’t Hollywood!!) n 28 metres in four short shot episodes layter, ‘The Agency’ was in de can. Flushed n gone.
But dat launch party dat kicked off the year, boyos, dat party rocked like three chameleons in an oji.
Fan Feb – Malindski
The Feb tyme o tha month for mwaa was of course goin’ down Malindi to see the Cellinis of Casino Malindi wit tha Sharonova — as a kinda early Valley.
N wazn’t Malindi fun!
We stayed in this funny Wildlife themed hoteli theya, n on a loose Sato went a —gambollin in de Casino Malindi itself. N while I won all of jacket, the Sha waz on a roll of beginner’s luck at the metallic one-arm bandito of tha casino.
She shoved two coins worth all of farte bab (after I’d blown my G on the ungregarious gringos) n the dough dat spilled out in casino coins waz all of eight thao bob, or X 200!
We got tha hell outta da casino coz watt yu don’t wanna be doan after a big nite on the jack jerk machines is singing Katy Perry in tha morning, like:
‘You gotta help me out, las nite is all a blur, yu lost the motel key, yu are hung-over,n I am broke; wanna cash out — n get the hell out of this darn town.’
The nex day, tho, I was damn hung-over wen I went out to sea wit my American gringos, n hombre, as the fishin’ boat called ‘To Dance with Fishes’ bounced oer tha wavy waters, I fed the fishes by mwaura-ink last nite’s Italian pizza inter the ocean.
Oh — n yu knw watt? We also rescued summa Somas frm a stuck sea vessel who claimed to be ‘lokal fishermen.’ Ya rite! We probably helped get some Al Shababas terrorists into the country on a US M-boat.
Mad March Dance.
In March, me mad moment of dat mad month were tha Club Afrique ‘Can U dance?’ auditions. KTN’s hot shore Cynthia welcomed us to tha venue where we found CEO, Kanda King n summa dance queen frm SA sittin in audition judgement.
Smirnoff in April.
Lez juz agree once n 4 all — the Smirnoff bash-skis under brand queen Julianna organised by Exclamation Marketin n thrown by Big Kev’s Tru Blaq entertainment are juu juu juu tuu sana.
We had a blast of a nite with tite deejay crews, shaffie n DnG, mad crowd, Nyesh, later met DStv supuski Farida n then got on an airplane with Denno Oliech n rocked back to Nai.
Lez juzz agree dat de Harambee Stars las weekend in Abuja were just too down, n dat dat Hey is a clown whose ne-er won nuthin. Instead— a givin white men millions to train our soccer minions, why not pay Kimanzi n Ghost a ka-quarter milli each to be coach n assistant coach of our mboys. Dat ATT dat yu cn only give meter to a white broad is watt we call ‘Black n Black’ meaness, n so long as the Mwafrika undermines anutha miro, we’ll ne-er get far.
How dya think our mamsillas managed to stay chini ka slipper ya lodging for so long? They greenly slashed each other like grass in a zung’s compound, oh. Speakin of which, we PEN Kenya people have got a hot reading of tha book ‘It’s Our Turn to Eat’ on Sunny Sunday aftie huko at Wasanii.
Kitabu yenyewe ni ngiri, so kuja we diskuss diesel from two to five pm, n tha ndigiriris who misrule us, so-oo greedily. Its gonna be a book n talk for free, Pulsers all. N tis ya country getting ruinski, so lezz see some serious Obamites, Sunday, at tha Kenya Nutsional Theatre, with kina cool Job n Emiliski in da house.
Last Month, Mau Mau.
Me pal Johannes of Goethe may still be in Germany, but dat bash they threw down at the Goethe Institute usiku las month was juu tu sana. 2gether with buddy-buddies like Potash, fundi Frank n the foolish genius known as Abbas Kubaff (a jina he got wen the Baks himself declared him ‘holder of the burning mike,’ we watched Ukoo Flani do theya thing. Dead-dee-ly!! Okay, I done doing my six month party review. I leave da floor to Uhuru to cheat us watt they’ll do 4 us wananzi in the nxt six months, June 12 to Deck 12, where if they give us more typin errors, the whole stady may just heckle their shiznit roundii hii!
