Njoki Ndung’u
I just finished reading a book, Etiquette for Dummies, in which the chapter on telephone protocol struck a deep chord within me, exposing my politely buried frustration with regard to behaviour of many Kenyans.
My short stint as Member of Parliament was especially challenging because there is a general expectation that an MP must always be polite and diplomatic despite rude and irritating behavior of others. This is one of the bigger downsides of holding political office and one reason I shall never return.
Thankfully, I am no longer so confined and I can express in precise terms what I think without apology. Reflecting on my own experience, I think there is need to adopt a social code of conduct with regard to phone etiquette with some basic rules, which would go something like this:
Rule number one – never call someone and then ask to whom you are speaking to. I mean don’t you know who you were calling? Why would I give you my name, if you don’t know whom you are calling, you could be a conman, a thief or a stalker.
Rule number two – do not call in the late evening from a bar, party or social gathering while inebriated or otherwise mood enhanced. It may shock you to know that other people, like the person you are calling, are asleep and have been for some hours. The fact that a person’s name has cropped up in bar conversation does not give you a right to call and greet them and slurred conversation is not welcome at this time.
Rule number three – do not call someone on weekends or before 8am or after 6pm on weekdays if someone is not a family member or close personal friend or works late. It might be your urgent business but it is not mine. Stick to normal business hours.
Rule number four – Never call on a Sunday morning unless it is an absolute life and death emergency for me, not for you.
Rule number five – Do not call persistently. If you call once or twice without a response, remember that mobile phones register missed calls and the person will either get back to you or if not – they do not want to speak to you.
To call incessantly qualifies you as a stalker, which makes it highly unlikely that the person whom you are calling will actually return your call. You are too scary.
Rule number six, when someone eventually picks or returns your call, do not complain or ask why they never pick your calls. First, to pick or not to pick a call is the prerogative of the owner of the phone not the caller. Second, no one is sitting around just waiting for you to call – people are busy making or earning a living: why aren’t you?
Rule number seven – if you need to speak to someone urgently and they have not returned your call, send an sms.
Rule number eight – If the person you have called indicates they are out of the country, be brief. Please don’t chatter away – roaming costs are punitive.
Rule number nine – if someone has not picked or returned your call, do not call again while withholding or hiding your number. This is deceptive and extremely bad mannered.
Rule number ten – stick to all the above rules.
The writer is an Advocate of the High Court.
