A woman's place is wherever she wants to be

Facebook Chief Operating Officer (COO) Sheryl Sandberg in her book Lean In is of the view that woman's place is no longer in the home; that we all need to stop assuming it is, especially when giving advice to young women

Here's the problem with all this advice to young women these days – from Sheryl Sandberg to a Princeton mom – even though gender equality has made great strides, there's still an assumption that women are best suited to the motherhood role.

Throughout my education, every time I spoke with a guidance counsellor, I couldn't express the desire to accomplish certain goals or enter certain fields without being asked how or when I was going to fit marriage and children into the picture. I was steered into less demanding career paths because it was not only assumed that I wanted children, but that if I had them, I would need to put any and all other obligations of my life on hold in order to be their primary caretaker.

For many women, it's impossible to balance having children and demanding career paths because of the different expectations placed on mothers and fathers. It seems out of place to say that women are at such a sexist disadvantage, given the modern focus on equality.

However, when Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg's recent book Lean In encouraged mothers to "lean in" to their professional lives and "lean out" of their personal lives in order to achieve their professional goals, it was apparently both groundbreaking and distasteful advice.

Columnists and reviewers have harshly criticised Sandberg for giving women the same career advice that men receive. Melissa Gira Grant, writing for the Washington Post, criticised Sandberg for relying on a staff "to help keep house, raise her children and throw her women's leadership parties," while a USA Today column accused her of waging a "war on moms".

At the dawn of the 21st century, we say that we have accepted that a woman's place is no longer in the home, but where is it? As a young woman, I'd prefer to not be placed at all. My wants, needs, aspirations, and desires not only vary from time to time, but also vary widely from every other woman I know. At present, I'm having a hard time finding a job in the first place, let alone my dream job. I'm having a hard enough time deciding on a career path, let alone when I'll get married and have kids, and trying to plan in advance how I'd juggle the two is pointless.

To compare, a former co-worker of mine has just entered her 40s. She has been in a committed relationship for over 10 years, is wildly successful as a professional chef, but has no plans to marry or have children. She is judged for not having kids, and is often told that she'll never be happy until she does. But that works for her.

That makes her happy. A dear friend from childhood just had her second daughter and has been happily married for three years. She doesn't work, but volunteers part-time. She is criticised for being lazy and unsuccessful, but that works for her. That makes her happy.

Clearly women are not an interest group or an identity with only one set of goals. Yet no matter where women put their focus, they are criticised for not maintaining the perfect balancing act. It seems that the only infallible answer is that a woman's place is in the wrong.

No matter the strides we've made in gender equality, all advice given to women entering any work field is based on the assumption that all women are at a disadvantage. When I considered becoming a nurse practitioner, I was advised by my parents and my guidance counsellor to seek a lesser position in the nursing field so I wouldn't be too old to have kids by the time I was done with school. When I took my first restaurant job as a professional server, I was asked in my interview if I actually intended on becoming a professional server, or if it was just my plan until I had kids. Such obvious sexism sounds blatantly rude when recounted, but at the time, it seemed normal.

And it is normal. It's a normal assumption that women will have kids, and that mothers will become the primary caretaker over the father. It's also normal these days to modify "mother" into "working mother". But "father" is also a "working father," yet we don't seem to use that term very often. It's normal to see the well-worn media image of a tired, hard-working father loosening his tie as he walks through the door to greet his wife and kids late in the evening, but a woman coming home late from the office is more often a punch line. It's normal to call a woman neglectful for hiring a nanny, or lazy for taking maternity leave. It's normal to make wild assumptions about women as a whole, regardless of the wide variety of individuals that the female gender encompasses.

The assumptions must be absent from the beginning. It must be accepted that a woman's place is wherever she wants to be. The final frontier of gender equality is individualism. Just as a man is allowed to decide where his happy balance of home and work life is, so should women. Women's place is no longer in the home. We all need to stop assuming it is.

- Adapted from The Guardian