This week's topic:
I had dated this woman for four years then she left around September last year. We come from the same region and I had only known her for a few months when we moved in together. I paid her college fees and met all her needs through this time. I even got her a job in a local bank after which she left me claiming that I had not paid dowry for her. I went to her parents' home early this year and requested to start the process but they refused to engage in any such discussions with me. They did not give any reason for it and she will not respond to any of my attempts to get in touch with her. I am puzzled at this whole situation because there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship and we were happy. Please help me understand what could be going on here?
{Martin}
What the readers say:
Martin, you may be wasting your precious time. Both the girl and her parents have said you aren't their type. This one is gone and the only thing you can do is carry out a self assessment to determine what could have made her change and deal with this in your future engagements. {Tasma Saka}
I might be wrong or right but this clearly shows this lady was with you because it was convenient for her. She might have left you after achieving what she wanted but only time will tell. You might also want to get an independent person to talk to her as well as her parents for you to the rest the matter as to why she left you.
{Ouma Ragumo}
It is clear that you were taken for a ride here and her parents know everything that is going on hence their arrogance when dealing with you. This lady could be having an affair and that she was just using you to get her college education. If she decided to go then just let her go. There is a kiswahili saying that goes "tenda wema nenda zako malipo ni ya mbiguni'. Forgive them and look for another woman to marry.
{Onyango Outha}
Simon says:
Martin, this situation seems to have emanated from the fact that when you met her four years ago, you may not have taken time to know her very well but instead rushed her to move in with you. The risk when this happens is that you may get into a relationship often with the wrong person or with someone who has dozens of skeletons in their closet. These skeletons always have a way of emerging in due course and can cause a lot of damage when they do. I underlined the key facts in your situation and they include that that you barely knew her, took her to college, got her a job, 4 years down the line she leaves you alleging that you had not paid dowry for her and her parents want nothing to do with you. Yes, people can be that ungrateful – this is quite common but when her parents are also in on this then there is much more to this than you actually know.
My thinking is that she wasn't for the marriage from the onset and could have stayed for the benefits. She could also have had secrets and realised her time was up and the only solution at hand was leaving. There is no way after all the support you gave that her parents would refuse to at least engage and hear you out especially not for a man has paid your daughter's college fees, sustained her for four years and who is keen to discuss dowry, it is written all over that this wasn't meant to be.
This may turn out to be a situation where you fed a cow but someone else may get to milk the cow. You did your best with all the right intentions and I think it is about time you confronted her on this issue and asked her to come clean. However, as you confront her and whichever way this goes, you may as well just count your losses and know that you did a good thing. It should not matter if she is ungrateful, what is most important is that you did a good thing and you gave it your best.
Simon is a relationships counselor who helps couples reach reasonable solutions and face the hard truth in dealing with their issues
Boke says:
Not everyone is in a relationship for the same reasons. Some people get into relationships for own selfish gains and once they achieve what they wanted then the other person ceases to be relevant in their lives.
Unfortunately your girlfriend was one of such, she saw and exploited in you an opportunity for her personal development and advancement. After successfully accomplishing her mission she left. Leaving you feeling used, exploited and taken advantage of.
You did all that you did for her knowing that it was for your mutual good because in your mind you knew she was obviously going to be your wife. Clearly you were not on the same page.
Although some people are good at hiding their intentions, I believe that there were tell tales of her motive but you probably did not give any attention to them.
Approaching her parents doesn't make it any easier, you get to realise that they are fully behind her. I advise you to stop rehearsing on what you feel you have lost and wasted. This will only keep you stuck to this bad experience, making you a bitter person. You have lost much but you have not lost everything.
It is a difficult thing to see all your efforts go unappreciated but have you noticed that you carry a clear conscious? While your former girlfriend will have to struggle with hers for a long while. The fact that you did the right thing and were sincere in the relationship should make you feel good about yourself. Carry the lessons with you. Lessons make us better and wiser.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in counselling psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage
