Last week, I had a dream, sorry, a vision. I guess it comes with the territory (isn’t dreaming a loser’s favourite pastime?)! But this was not the usual visions where I see myself as the next governor of Embu County and then proceed to surround myself with the prettiest beauties the county can offer, as I dine and wine at the county’s finest resorts.
It was a revelation. An angel paid me a visit. Hallelujah! And it was not just a courtesy call. He had been sent from heaven to deliver an urgent and very important message to Kenyans.
At first I was sceptical. Why me? The angel seemed to read my mind and went on to remind me that I am named after a prophet whose major themes of social justice, God’s omnipotence and divine judgment became staples of his prophecy.
Moreover, of all the losers in Kenya I was the most docile, the ...... (I was sure I didn’t want to hear more) I coughed softly, just to distract him. And when he inquired what the matter was, I told him that he could deliver the message - I was all ears. He smiled and continued. I was to inform Kenyans that no police officer will ever set foot in heaven - neither their bosses nor their bosses’ bosses! I was aghast.
“What! But they haven’t done anything out of this world,” I asked. The look I got was not easy to decipher (it’s not every day that you bump into an angel). I assumed it was a rebuke - to be on the safe side. Now, is there anybody in his is right mind who would wish to mess with an angel?
I may be a born loser but I’m certainly not a complete idiot. So I kept my cool and lent him my ear. I was made to understand that since the Kenyan cops have been misbehaving for ages, and they are neither willing nor ready to repent, they have angered the God of Abraham and thus the wrath of the living God will be upon them!
The good old angel added that many cops are brutish, sadists, corrupt, insane, arrogant, ignorant, tribal, trigger happy, uncultured, uncouth, demagogues, robbers, murders and seemed to cherish earthly powers - which will perish, anyway! And that they obey, blindly, any orders given by their earthly masters (although most have serious emotional, educational, intellectual and social issues that require urgent professional help), at the expense of what is right, fair, just and godly! In short, they have fallen short of the glory of God.
According to the good angel, they have lived in mortal sin for the last five decades and there is no sign of ever mending their wayward ways. “Why condemn them now? Weren’t your bosses up there aware of the atrocities they have meted on the innocent since time immemorial? Did heaven have to wait till the death and resurrection of the guy in green, to take action?” I hissed, and then paused as I wondered whether heaven’s head office could be so insensitive.
The angel in my dream did not seem amused. A keen look at his face revealed a sly smile. Was the good old angel laughing at me, or the Kenya police, or the Kenyan people? I decided to taunt him. “If the demonstrator in green had not resurrected, in other words, if he had chosen to remain dead like all the others before him who have been felled by the cops, would you be here today?”
He wondered aloud why I was so obsessed with the ‘green guy’. Was his death the only beef I had with the boys in blue?
“No!” I yelled, but remembered I was at the feet of the Almighty’s representative and it was imperative for me to show only my best side lest I be condemned, just like the police force ......sorry.....service. I pointed out to the angel, as a ‘by the way’ - to try and make him forget my bad manners - that the mandarins running the show and even replaced the word force with service.
Cops not only rotten apple
That must have tickled his funny bone for he let out a hearty laughter. Then he asked me whether I was blind. I opened my eyes wider and gaped at him. I was sure I could see the glow from his face and the bright light flashing from his wings! So I was certainly not blind and declared as much. He shook his head. I was alarmed.
But before I could react, he said: “Forget the service bit. It was just a public relation gimmick coined by a devious mind! What they actually meant was that they are now officially out to serve themselves.” It made sense. When an officer of the law transacts Sh30 million in a month, he is surely serving himself. But I was not yet convinced that the bosses in heaven weren’t doing too little too late. Where were they for fifty-plus odd years? I had to prod.
I put an innocent face and said: “I don’t mean to be rude but, many people have died in the hands of the police. But none has ever resurrected or even got up without a broken bone after such high-octave clobbering! And all along, heaven has been a mere spectator. Is that fair?”
“The good book says that they have eyes but they don’t see; they have ears but.... We were not spectators! The head office has been actively involved, behind the scenes. We were....” I let out loud cough. “Excuse me; are you insinuating that you were helpless, unable to contain the rogue police? You have all the powers to.....”
“Amos, don’t get emotional. We’ve the powers, yes, but, unlike the police, we don’t misuse it. We prefer diplomacy instead. You remember Ransly, Anan, Rev Njoya and the like? We’d sent them to shed some light unto the dark force....”
“It’s service!” I interjected.
“You don’t change a donkey into a zebra by painting black strips onto its body! And, about you hero in green; the guy was actually not hurt! Believe it or not, when he was supposed to fall down, I personally was on the road to break his fall. And when they started raining kicks and batons on his body, I was covering his body like an invisible blanket, and thus all the kicks and canes landed on me!”
“Oh my God! Weren’t you hurt? I mean.... sorry.....silly me, you are an angel, after all. But, why couldn’t you give him wings and let him fly away? Or, better still, you could have confused his attackers and made them start thrashing one another as the ‘green’ man vanished into thin air?” “Misuse of heavenly powers....!” “Ok, why can’t you round off all the bad cops and burn them like Sodom and Gomorrah or drown them in the Indian Ocean, like the time of Noah?” I was getting agitated.
“Sorry to disappoint you, the police are not the only rotten apples in Kenya! Be informed that those methods of punishment are no longer in use. Moreover, if we were to burn anybody, we’d burn the whole country!” “Wait a minute, Sir, isn’t there even one good soul left?” I was terrified. “There are some born again elements in the force and elsewhere, would they also burn? What about the unborn and the infants?”
“You seem to have forgotten that the sins of the fathers shall be visited upon their children and their children’s children! Repent and tell the antagonists (Jubilee and Cord - their kingpins, financiers, sycophants, supporters and sympathizers), fence sitters and the police, if they don’t mend their ways soon, there will be gnashing of teeth right here on earth and, later, in hell, and....” A cold chill ran down my spine. My, oh my, where did that leave me? I had thought we were only crucifying the police!
Ted Malanda resumes next week
