American presidential candidate Donald Trump has weighed in on Kenya’s debate over ban on second-hand clothes and footwear, commonly known as mitumba. The presumptive republican nominee has vowed to hit Kenya hard if the government dares impose ban on mitumba from the US.
“The biggest mistake Kenya can make is to ban second hand clothes. If it happens and I am president, I will hit them so hard, they won’t believe it. We will bomb the hell out of that tiny East Africa Country,” Trump said in a statement. The businessman-turned politician vowed to do everything in his power to protect American business interests.
“We will not allow the ready market for the clothes, shoes and underwear that our people are too posh to be seen wearing destroyed by a government that wants to grow its own textile industry!” Trump insisted. “Kenya, be advised, air strikes... carpet bombing... name it, will be coming your way if you dare close that market to us!”
In his televised address, the billionaire argued that if Kenya banned the used-clothes from the US, no other country has the capacity, appetite and lack of personal pride to wear other people’s used clothes like Kenya does. He said losing that market would be a huge blow to the American economy.
“As I always say Americans comes first. And the livelihood of our used-clothes dealers is more important than that of Kenyan cotton farmers, thus they must toe the line,” said Trump.
The bullish presidential candidate who hates any immigrant he is not married to also used the opportunity to remind Kenyans that were it not for the second hand clothes and underwear from the Americans, they would be still walking naked.
“Kenyans are growing horns! They should not grow too big-headed just because their government is suddenly realising the folly of developing other nation’s industries and economies at the expense of theirs,” said Trump.
And in yet another battlefront he has opened, Trump also took issue with Kenyan taxi drivers on Twitter over their campaign against Uber, the American taxi hailing technology firm. Though the taxi drivers were too busy overcharging their customers to respond to his tweets, Trump said they must accept Uber and move on. He promised unspecified action against the taxi drivers’ families and mistresses, should they continue in their campaign against Uber.
“No American company is going to be mistreated in a foreign country under my watch,” he said. A source close to the Trump campaign said besides protecting American business interests, the teetotaller who always speaks as if he is drunk, will also use his presidency if elected to promote the Trump brand.
Wrath of Trump presidency
This could see Kenya forced to rename some of its international airports, highways, streets, roads, avenues, universities after Trump! He is likely to face resistance though because the only people who are understood to be interested in naming something after him are archaeologists and palaeontologists.
“The next time they find a fossil of early primitive man, they will be more than happy to name it after him,” quipped one wag. Given the unpredictability of the real estate billionaire, folitical analysts and futurologists are listing all kinds of possibilities should Trump be elected president.
“It is also likely that Kenya could be forced to adopt one of the real estate mogul’s books as secondary school set books,” said one analyst. “Television stations might also be required to be starting the day by airing the billionaire’s reality show as viewers are forced to face New York!”
Another analyst is likening Trump to North Korea’s Kim Jong-un: “Who knows, he might require everyone to adopt his crazy hairstyle. And for those black people who like bleaching their skins white, he might demand that they choose orange instead like his skin colour. He could also demand that at least one tenths of all babies born be named after him. He could also ban the airing of the English Premier League in the country and replace it with American Football. We are in for tough times!”
