By Mark Mutahi
Ater years of suffering in silence the Mortuary Owners Association (MOA) has strongly condemned healthy living, which it blames for the marginal rise in life expectancy.
Addressing a gathering of funeral home owners, which had gone on into the dead of the night, the secretary general of the association, Foma Dehide, lambasted the silent campaign promoting healthy lifestyles that has been going on for some time now and which they see as the biggest threat to their future as an industry.
“All those promoting active lifestyles must stop. People must learn to sit idle with bowl of salty greasy chips in their hands watching TV or something,” said Foma. “Being a couch potato must come back in style now!”
yoga
Neither is the organisation comfortable with people who are advocating yoga, meditation and other activities that serve a relaxation or stress relieving purpose.
“People need to adopt a more stressful lifestyle since this will lead to a situation where people turn to food for comfort, and thus add the much needed weight,” argued the secretary general.
The organisation also called on the government to come to their aid by removing taxes on junk food, highly processed foods, gaming consoles and anything else that is likely to lead to the increase the waistlines as it leads to a decrease in life expectancy. It particularly singled out the group of individuals who pose the biggest threat to their industry — health freaks.
“These are the kind of people who are taking us to the pre-colonial days by reintroducing traditional foods into our diets. How primitive!” chided Mr Dehide. “They are the same people who have declared war against processed foods in favour of whole grains, farm-fresh fruits and vegetables. This will just create an imbalance in nature because if we start eating such, what will rabbits and monkeys feed on?”
The MOA did not have kind words for the increasing number of marathons and charity walks being held every other weekend. It also urged people to shun taking the stairs and instead keep on using lifts even if they are just heading to the next floor.
“If God had wanted people to use the stairs, he wouldn’t have given us fingers for pressing the floor numbers in lifts,” argued Dehide.
Foma went on to complain that obesity has been given a bad name with all sorts of competitions aimed at cutting weight being aired all over. They were not happy either with TV stations and their fit anchors. The organisation also blasted corporates for discriminating against well-fed people in the media.
“When was the last time you saw a fat person advertising a tube of toothpaste or a soap?” posed Foma.
