Too many couples are taking the vow 'till death do us part' literally and staying in marriages that are way past their sell-by date. ALLAN OLINGO explores on when it's okay to quit

With the pressures of modern life and demanding careers, the troubles of marriage are often kept on the back burner. Many marital issues are swept under the carpet with the hope that the solutions will be found some day, somehow. This leads to a pile-up of stress, resentment and anger, which eventually may lead to marital breakdown.

While having marriage problems — big or small — is normal, the sooner one faces the facts and decides what to do about them, the better. Burying one’s head in the sand when it comes to marital woes won’t make these problems go away. In fact, they’ll probably just get worse. Recently we have witnessed two sad events, when former TV journalist Wambui Kabiru and celebrated Olympic marathon champion Samuel Wanjiru lost their lives as a result of domestic wrangles.

Because the social stigma associated with separation is great, many couples stomach a lot, choosing to take the marital vows "till death do us part" literally, with some marriages ending in fatalities.

Dr Chris Hart, a relationship psychologist, notes that it is sad that couples have chosen to fight one another from within their marriages instead of walking out of these unions.

He notes that the social and cultural stigma associated with walking out of the relationship causes fear of the society and inability to question its demands and expectations.

For the kids

"This stigma is so high that couples would rather suffer within marriage than walk out. Many a times, women and men in troubled relationships will say ‘I want my children to have a complete family unit’," he adds.

But staying put in a marriage that is literally on its deathbed because of children, or even the fear of the gruelling divorce process is not a solution. It is in fact for the benefit of the children that you should walk out. That way, you can raise them in a peaceful and stable environment. There are many people who have had a successful second chance at marriage after walking out of abusive and unfruitful unions.

Generally, most married people fight about money, sex, bad attitudes and infidelity. Insufficient and inconsistent communication, frequent verbal fights, violence, infidelity, lack of affection, social and psychological distance are some of the warning signs that marital bliss is waning.

"There are even cases where one partner will have an affair just to get back at the other partner for infidelity. This type of revenge never works, as two wrongs never make a right. It only fuels the animosity between partners," Dr Hart adds.

Dr Agnes Zani, a sociologist, points out that the frustrations within young marriages could be because couples still have different visions and plans, and each is trying to do it his or her way. This affects the communication and commitment to one another.

"One’s commitment to the marriage and to one’s spouse determines how hard he or she is willing to work and what he or she can put up with for the sake of a sound marriage," she points out.

One of the early warning signs of trouble is the change in the nature of arguments amongst couples, especially using criticism as a way of putting the other down.

"Instead of having the normal arguments about the wrong act committed, couples will resort to personalising these arguments, turning them into criticisms of each other. It gets worse when the language used is abusive and demeaning," says Dr Hart.

He also adds that physical violence will usually follow verbal abuse and that it is at this point in a marriage that is it prudent to take the walk rather than hold on.

Lack of maturity

Dr Zani notes that when violence gets frequent and severe, then there is a total breakdown in the marriage and the constant psychological torture or warnings such as ‘I will kill you’ are red flags and reasons enough for one to terminate the union.

In other cases, couples have come together for the wrong reasons in the first place, and there is no acceptance and maturity in the relationship.

Dr Zani points out that marrying for wealth and social status rather than as a result of love, respect and deep care are some of the wrong reasons that could drive a wedge into marriages.

When that romantic spark is no longer there or the man has lost his money or the woman has had children and is no longer the beauty she was, couples who married in a rush or for wrong reasons cannot stand the test of time, and such marriages degenerate into fisticuffs and name calling.

But one could marry for the right reasons and then the circumstances change within the marriage. It is wise to accept the reality when you as a couple are no longer adding value to each other, and to walk away.

Marriages rarely die overnight and almost always, the decay happens over time.

If your marriage is in the doldrums, having gone beyond the respect threshold, discussions or compromise may be impossible, and you may have no option but to end it yourself, for your own good. Here are a few indicators of the warning signs of a marriage in trouble:

Fading intimacy

A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognised symptoms of a failing marital unions. Sexual and emotional intimacy allow the couple to bond as husband and wife and if your partner is showing none or very little interest in intimacy with you, then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you and this widens the emotional distance, leading to sexual frustrations.

Dr Hart notes that the bond that brought the two together constantly needs to be there, and when it fizzles out, marriage definitely gets difficult.

"In every normal marriage, the partners never lose that fire that they first had. It may not be a consuming infatuation, but the partners still make each other’s hearts race," he says.

Violence

Violence can happen in any relationship and usually happens regardless of the victim’s love for the perpetrator and efforts to be the right kind of spouse.

The best one can do is to walk out of such an abusive relationship. The common mistake couples make is assuming that things will change yet this is a red alert that it will in fact not.

Mistrust and dishonesty

If you no longer trust your spouse, and wonder constantly what he or she is doing behind your back, you need to ask yourself if your partner has betrayed your trust significantly.

If so, then it is probably a good idea to start packing. If the idea of splitting up does not make you happy then you can consider a few trips to a counsellor, but this is no guarantee that it will work.

Dishonesty means withholding the truth about finances, whereabout friends and social life and is one of the biggest problems in a relationship because of the anxiety and suspicion it breeds.

Infidelity

Third parties in the sexual relationship always spell trouble. Very few marriages can actually survive the burden and trauma of infidelity, especially when it happens repeatedly.

When a partner is constantly having the roving eye, it is best to end the union as this habit exposes you to ridicule and sexually transmitted diseases. It is easier to let go rather than to live in regret.

Contempt

If your spouse has no respect for you in the presence of friends, relatives and even children, if he or she challenges your parenting skills in front of the children and berates your opinions in public, you need to deal with the disrespect before it gets unbearable. You probably have no sex life at all and you can’t remember when your partner last showed an initiative. This is the basic display of contempt and if you can’t resolve it, then hit the road.