By Nyambura Maina
I am fast approaching 40 and unlucky in love. The last relationship I had ended after a three-month engagement. My fiancÈ complained I was domineering. I am used to doing things for myself. My mother says I am too rigid and that my standards are set too high for any man to meet. I am slowly giving up hope and beginning to accept that I shall end up an old, lonely spinster. Should I settle for less just so that I can be a wife?
Juliet, Nairobi
Recent research indicates that women who are educated beyond high school have a higher likelihood of postponing marriage and childbearing. More and more women are diverting their focus from starting a family to building their careers and financial stability. This changes the dynamics of the dating game because settling down to marriage is no longer as highly prioritised as before.
As one matures, the measures used to decide on a mate change over time. Whereas in the 20s women decide more through their emotions, a woman over 30 will lay more emphasis on logic. In other words, a woman in her 20s will be guided by her heart and a woman over 30 who has had more time to define what she wants in a man will rely on reason. Having had more experience in dating, older women will prioritise companionship, ambition, health and love and give up on sizzling passion and fleeting infatuation as criteria for choosing a partner. In addition, most women are settled in their ways by the age of 40 and no longer suffer in desperation to find a spouse.
You are over 30 and have found it difficult to find a mate. You have endured anxious times trying to come to terms with your current situation. You now believe it is time to throw in the towel and resign yourself to a life of solitude and unfulfilled dreams. The alternative, according to you means relaxing your standards so that you can meet and keep a man in your life.
Changing what you are to suit the situation will not be a successful mission. You have worked hard to get to where you are and no one should put you down for your accomplishments. As for getting a life partner, take a positive approach. The men you have dated so far have enabled you to fine tune the qualities you would want (or not want) in a man. Look at the men you dated in your 20s. Would you have married any of them knowing what you know today? You have changed and so have your priorities. Be grateful that you have had the exposure, so that when you finally do settle down, it will be a pleasing choice made willingly with both heart and mind.
Common counsel
Limited selection
The hardest thing about being over 30 single is that nearly every man you meet is either married, divorced with children or has children out of wedlock. If by chance you have a child or children of your own then it becomes even more complicated. You have to take into consideration all the children and see how all of them will cope. This is enough to put you off getting together with such men. Since the choice of men is limited, you have to make do with what you are lucky to find.
Sheila A.
Perpetual frustration
I can empathise with you Juliet. My mother, relatives and friends never seem to quit asking, "When are you going to get married?" Nor do they stop reminding you about that biological clock! Some have even started rumours that I am a lesbian. It is very distressing. If there are invitations to social functions like weddings and church fundraisings, I usually ignore them because I want to avoid the patronising dialogue.
Neema Anyona
Biblical wisdom
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth! If you follow the wisdom that is in the Bible your life will be full of God’s grace. If you are stubborn and headstrong, no man will be able to put up with you. Change your ways and humble yourself so that good things can be done in your life.
Mark Muriungi
Sign of the times
I have two daughters over 30 who are still single. It breaks my heart that they do not have families of their own. I envy other mothers who get to give away their daughters at weddings. I have prayed countless times for the same but to no avail. It is no longer an easy thing to find a mate because things are very complicated nowadays. I do not think that you should settle for whatever comes along because that will not ensure your happiness in the future.
Esther Waithera
Revise your criteria
Headstrong is what men call women who are independent. If you are over 30, you most probably have your own material goods like a house and a car. Any man looking at you will wonder what he can contribute to your life. In other words a man is threatened if you have no need for him. You need to find a man who is already financially stable and this might mean that you may have to settle for being wife number two.
Wondi Amare
Love and expect love
Juliet, you are lucky to have a mother who understands you and is able to give a critical appreciation of your character. She is reminding you that love involves making sacrifices that help develop a cordial relationship. This should not be seen as setting for less because making wise sacrifices for the common good still leaves you with dignity intact.
Light the candle of love by endearing yourself to another, not setting high standards which he must meet. Happy are those who are down to earth for they shall not fall.
Francis Kut
Pray and persist
Do not settle for less and don’t give up your quest for love. Marriage is a gift from God. There is a man out there who has a personality that can only be complimented by you. Just pray to God and the man will surely come and you will live happily ever after.
Alan.
