By Milly G

Crime Scene Investigation Nairobi, a DNA paternity testing company, has circulated a document titled Kenya’s promiscuity Index. The results are not surprising. Having digested it, I will break it down for you. The report classifies men into two economic classes, the very rich and the emerging middle class, the nouveau riche.

It also classifies men according to ethnicity, with the groups being Kikuyu, Luhya, Luo, Caucasian, Kalenjin and others. I will stick to the middle class, the defining class, of ages 32 to 55.

Most men today have one wife, fewer mistresses and fewer children than their predecessors. Polygamy has gone out the door, and in the place of second wives have come mistresses, unless you are talking of a loaded Luhya geezer, who will have four wives.

Surprisingly, overall, Caucasian men are rated not promiscuous while the rest of the Kenyan males are very promiscuous.

For the stinking rich, Luos, Luhyas and Kalenjins are the least promiscuous while Kikuyus, Jungus and other tribes rate highest on the scale of lasciviousness.

Here is the result of the study conducted in the last two years. It unpacks the way men treat their main courses, side dishes, and take-aways, as we call them.

Wife

Today, all men are extremely concerned about the well being of their families and the education of their children. Wives are fully supported and cared for, as are their children, with whom the men spend quality time. Kikuyus are the only ones notorious for dying intestate and leaving drawn out court cases for their families. If, or when, your husband gets a mistress, you will only be informed of it if he is Luo or Luhya. If he’s Kikuyu, Kalenjin or Jungu, don’t even think about it!

Other than the Kalenjin, who has four, and the Jungu, who has two, all other men have an average of three children from the primary family.

Mistress

All men house their mistresses, but the Luhya and Luo men are the best providers of both material and emotional support for their mistresses.

The Kikuyu will keep the mistress’ property in his name, to be repossessed upon break up and given to her replacement.

Kikuyus rate poorly when it comes to sexual performance, as they are preoccupied with making money. After all, they usually get into mipango ya kando for physical reasons, whereas the Luo, Caucasian and Luhya men seek emotional support as well. The jungu’s mistress is the biggest winner in the bedroom.

Other than Kikuyus, all tribes have embraced women from other tribes as mistresses, with the Luo going for the long-term Kikuyu friend and the Kalenjin preferring the Kikuyu work mate.

The whites find solace in the dark, curvy Luo woman who frequents the pub. But Luhyas seem to prefer their family friends from ocha. All in all, Kikuyu women seem to have left marriage to other women and seem to be picking the crumb quite a bit.

None of the men use condoms with their mistresses. While the Luhya and the Kalenjin can keep two mistresses, the rest have only one card up their sleeve. Also the Luhya are the only men who will have more than one child with a mistress.

If the mistress cheats, she will only be forgiven by the Luo, Luhya and Caucasian boyfriend. The kikuyu and Kalenjins give a summary dismissal and withdraw all material support to the women and their children. These men are also the poorest providers for their mistress’s children

One–nightstand/short-term mistress

With the exception of a minority most men today highly value the use of condoms in the prevention of deadly STDs.

However, they are extremely promiscuous, with the average 45-year-old boasting more than 15 flings since he got married, and over 20, if he’s Luo. Whites will usually have fewer than 10.

Luos are also notorious for skinny-dipping, while the Mzungu and the Kikuyu are likely to unleash a pack of Trust any time, anywhere. Men today value sexual performance especially in short term sexual relationships.