Karembo, our resident hooker, informed regulars at the local that she had lost her cousin-in-law.

The sots at Wa-Hannah’s were trying to wrap their inebriated minds round who a cousin-in-law is, when Karembo announced the funeral service would be held at the Coast. Kongowea, to be precise.

Nyambu manned the kitabu for donations, duly opened at the counter. Miss Penny, the owner of Wa-Hannah’s, coordinated transport. Sister Lucy took care of accommodation and stomach defence.

“Why is there no drinks manager,” wondered Kang’ethe to no one in particular, perhaps the ashtray and bar stock! But just why do Kenyans turn burials into drinking sprees? Never mind they were stingy with onywaji when the stiff, now dearly departed, was alive.

And so it was that on that Friday sots were to depart to Mombasa, Kang’ethe, Owish, Diameter, Kot-Kot and Waka-Knife the butcher, all began knocking down brown lagers in bars in downtown Nairobi.

By the time the bus was leaving at nine in the night, all of them were seeing with their mouths, with a little help from their eyes.

Miss Penny, Nyambu and Sister Lucy were all sober in grieving solidarity with Karembo. Papa English, who often says, “Get busy, there will be a lot of resting in the grave,” gave lagers a miss.

Anyway, wet drama started with Kang’ethe’s bladder bursting. Miss Penny had not booked a bus with an in-house loo. Unable to hold it, and with the conductor announcing Mtito Andei, which is over 100 kilometres from Nairobi, would be the next stop over, Kang’ethe climbed atop the back seat and unleashed his dragon out the window.

The driver in the saloon car trailing the bus saw sudden manyunyu on his windscreen!

Sounds of relief, “Aaaaah, Mungu wangu!” were heard from Owish who was emptying his fill into a bottle of mineral water as Kot-Kot and Diameter followed suit. Waka-Knife had no bottle and Kang’ethe held on to the window like he had a title deed to it. He peed on his coat, muzzling the swooshing noise.

Papa English, who often wonders what miros do with funeral photos taken with coffins, was spared. He had switched brands to brandy.

Guess who conducted the funeral service in Kongowea…the Reverend Father Gakombe!