The expatriate inevitably attended Oxbridge, where he further perfected his already impeccable grasp of Standard English, or what we (by which I mean, ‘he’) sometimes call ‘The Queen’s English.’ His use of the supposedly ‘proper way of speaking’ is noticeable during his very first conversation on Kenyan soil, when he approaches the airport immigration desk: ‘Excuse me, officer, would you be so kind as to provide me with a visa for entrance into your fine country?’ The Kenyan use of English is exemplified, in return, by the immigration officer’s reply: ‘What?’
Soon, the pathetically verbose expatriate will cease trying to speak in full sentences, and will simply say to the officer: ‘VISA!!!!’ Ngugi wa Thiong’o was right: we should all give up on English. Even the English.
The eloquent expatriate will soon find that he has to come to terms with a host of other Kenyanisms, all of which are well-known to Kenyans, but all of which might confuse the expatriate when he first hears them.
My own favourite is the ubiquitous ‘Fine,’ which I’ve mentioned before, and which comes as the response, always, to the question, ‘How are you?’ However, the expatriate will find that it also comes as the irrelevant response to various other ‘greetings,’ such as ‘Hello’ or ‘Good Morning.’
Another favourite has to be ‘You are here.’ This may appear to be the sort of innocent statement that one might find on, say, a tourist map. However, it is often used by Kenyans in other circumstances. Many’s the time I’ve found myself in a supermarket or on a street, say, and someone I vaguely know has approached me, made eye contact and said, ‘You are here.’ It’s not intonated as a question; just a statement.
The expatriate should attempt not to be confused in such a situation, as ‘You are here’ is an attempt to start a conversation when there’s nothing to say. The correct response is not, ‘Yes, of course I’m bloody here, isn’t it obvious to you!?’, but ‘Yes, I’m doing some shopping.’ And so the conversation progresses.
But to hear the assertion ‘You are here’ can also be reassuring to the newly-arrived expatriate who might be experiencing the sort of existential angst that causes him to ask, ‘Where am I, and what am I doing here in Kenya?’ When the expatriate finds himself in such a state of melancholy, it can be positively uplifting to bump into numerous folk happily telling you, ‘You are here.’
But now I’m waffling and have wandered from ‘here’ to ‘there.’ Other phrases that the expatriate will have to acquaint himself with include, ‘I have ever,’ ‘Me, I’, the peculiar use of the word ‘revert’ to mean ‘reply,’ and so on. It’s the joy of being in a new country, with a new language; a new language that is a version of yours, but not ‘yours,’ if you see what I mean. It will put you in your place, this learning that you don’t control ‘your own’ language.
spartington@yahoo.co.uk
