Types of wazungus

Two weeks ago, our dear friend Johannes Hossfeld, director of the Goethe Institute, left Kenya for his new posting in Munich.

His replacement, Dr Nina, seems pretty cool and easy herself. And one wishes all mzungus (white folks, and KCees don’t count, those ones are Kenyans to the core) who came to Kenya would be as nice – and among these I count the creative consulting editor colleague, Jane Luesby.

But just as a good summer may make one think of a bad winter, or if you’re Chinese, ‘ying’ make you think of ‘yang’. Here are seven types of ‘wannabe’ mzungus (not to be mistaken with natives who are mzungu ‘wanna bes’) most of us locals can hardly stand.

Snobs and segregationists: These are the type of mzungus, some of whom are cocooned in diplomatic missions, who land with the words ‘Kenya is a Third World Country’ stuck firmly in their minds. They have watched too many of those TIA (‘This Is Africa’) type movies back in their winter-blasted homelands, and to avoid catching malaria and ebola, they stay firmly in their ‘places’ and hardly mix with we locals, thus missing out on the beauty of our country – and the friendly (at least to whiteys) peoples.

Superior attitudes: I was at some exalted place the other weekend, I watched with growing fury as a fellow from one of those countries that are firmly in the bowels, (some would say even the rectum), of Eastern Europe shouted at some poor waitress to ‘hurry up and bring (him) his f****** dinner or else …’ until the poor lass was almost in tears.

“This is not 1913 and you are not in the Belgian Congo,” I yelled back at the wanna-be slaver, to his utter surprise.

Save Africa Souls: Now, this type of mzungu is not bad at all. She or he just has a lot of free time on their hands, have not found themselves or wish to show their peers that back home they are the ‘bigger, better people,’ and so you find them running around slums with T-shirts written ‘Kick Dengue Fever Out of Kibera’ (uh?!) and feeling sorry for every one born African. Note – I am not talking about genuine do-gooders; I am talking about those doggone wanna-be whiteys with their poverty porn.

Sexists: Talking porn, there are those sex starved mzungu wanna-bes who think Africa is their moveable banquet. These fisis (Team Hyena, from Abroad) come here to feast on our young men and women and even girls, in exchange for some little cash. You watch a documentary like the one on KTN the other evening about how they exploit the girls in Kilifi, you wanna literally kill the wanna-be!

Safarists: Then there is that type of mzungu ‘wanna be’ who thinks Africa is one BIG country, like the USA, will be in Kenya but still answer calls ‘Hey, Joe, I’m still in Africa, wouldya believe it?’ cannot still believe we don’t live on trees (ok, excepting forest-loving Ogieks here) and when he sees Africans at the bus stop on Lang’ata Road in the morning asks: “Aren’t they all not scared about being eaten by a lion from the national park?”

Stupidists: This type of mzungu thinks we really are natives with a child-like nature, bones in the nose and slow in the brain, so they will talk to you about ‘bonga bongo’ and such other nonsense, in a slow tone, like one speaking to a drunk and then dance out-of-rhythm to drums as we laugh at their retardness.

Silly ‘wannabes’: These are the ‘Johnny Type’ mzungus who come to Kenya and behave as if our Constitution is from the Jungle Book. They think now that they are in Mombasa, they are above the law, and will piss on the streets and just be very silly obnoxious and yobs.