Pregnant liars warned against making New Years resolutions

Pregnant women have been urged not to make resolutions at this time of the year, lest they give birth to children who will excel in careers that involve making promises that they won’t keep. These careers include politics and ‘seed’-obsessed televangelism.

This is according to research carried out locally and whose results were published in a regional scientific journal.

The study was conducted on subjects whose lives were followed for decades; from the time they were confirmed pregnant to the time the offspring born thereof became adults.

The women were divided into two groups. One group that was known not to make promises and resolutions at all, and a control group that consisted of a set of women who were famous for making and breaking promises and resolutions — at will.

As the scientists were to discover decades later, the choice of career for the children was highly correlated to the behaviour of the mother during the pregnancy period.

 “It was astonishing…90% of the children born of mothers who were always making promises, and telling everyone what they wanted to hear went on to become politicians and money-for-miracle televangelists!” revealed Professor Genevieve Omari, the lead scientist.

“For the children born of mothers who hardly made promises, and even when they occasionally did they kept them, 80% of them did not choose a public life at all and they opted for careers that were out of the limelight.”

The highly acclaimed researcher went on to explain the phenomena thus: “It seems that if the mother was consistently and constantly making promises, passing resolutions and telling lies while pregnant, the baby picked on this.

And when they become adults they already had a head start towards having a successful career in ‘mpesangelism’ or politics!”

shockwaves

The research findings have sent shockwaves among pregnant women with many of them being reported to be planning on not making any New Year resolutions.

“This will save me a lot of disappointment when I eventually break them like always…what a perfect time to get to learn this!” observed one of the pregnant women.

The scientists see two possible scenarios emerging as a consequence of their findings.

“Some women who would never want a politician or ‘mpesangelist’ in their blood line will do everything possible to avoid making promises when pregnant. Others who know how lucrative local politics or ‘mpesangelism’ is will do the exact opposite.

study

 They will go about making endless promises and resolutions so that their offspring can be assured of a good life!” hypothesised Professor Omari.

Some ‘mpesangelists’, who were not amused with the research findings, promised fire and brimstone to the researchers who had conducted the study.

Politicians on the other hand, wondered why scarce resources had been wasted on ‘useless research’ when there were more important things to focus on like finding a cure for cancer or hangovers.

Others went a step further by promising to push for a higher allocation to fund a more comprehensive research on the same matter once elected!