Basic rules on discipline

It is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. JOHN MUTURI shows you when, how and how much to discipline in a firm and loving manner

The word discipline has the connotation of punishment and repression. Consequently, many parents are afraid to discipline their children for fear of damaging them.

In fact, discipline simply means a process of training and guidance which helps children come to terms with the world outside their family.

Here are some basic rules that can be used by parents as guidelines for disciplining their children.

Setting limits for behaviour

Parents who set firm limits for their children help them to grow up better adjusted and with more self-esteem as opposed to those who are allowed to get away with behaving in the way they wish to.

While they may complain when discipline limits are set, there is enough research evidence that in the end, they realise that their parents are firm because they care.

Remember though that any limits you set must not be for the sake of making rules or sounding stern but rather for your child’s safety, well-being and development.

Hence, ensure that your child knows exactly what the rules are and what you expect of her.

Teach your child to discipline herself

The ultimate goal is to enable your child to discipline herself, to compromise between what she wants and what the world around her demands of her.

Once she is able to do this, her dealings with other people will be easier and she will like and respect herself more.

Promote bonds of love

When there is a two-way bond of love and affection between parents and children, the ground for effective discipline is set.

Since parents can’t always be present to enforce rules, the rules must be so ingrained that the child develops her own conscience.

Subsequently, self-discipline begins to take over, and she will behave well when there is no one to tell her what to do.

It doesn’t however happen overnight. She models herself on her parents and when they criticise her bad behaviour, she will identify with them and begin to criticise herself. Because children love their parents and want to please them, their parents’ disapproval of anything they do comes as a real punishment.

Remember to make it clear that however let down you are over something she has done, it is only that particular piece of behaviour you dislike.

It may seem obvious to your that you don’t love her any less but it is not obvious to her.

Reward good behaviour

Give compliments and attention and she will want to repeat the good act. Unless bad behaviour is really disruptive or dangerous, try to ignore it.

If reasoning with your child and turning a blind eye is not enough and you feel you have to use some form of punishment, do so without excessive anger or violence and understand that the child is bound to be angry and resentful.

Giving reasons for discipline

Giving explanations is vital to a child’s moral development. Always point out the effects of her behaviour and give reasons for your restrictions.

Telling off a child for being a ‘bad girl’ without telling her exactly what she had done or why it was wrong doesn’t help her.

As a child grows older and more articulate, it becomes easier to reason with her and she can explain her wants to you.

But from the time she can talk, encourage her to explain why she has done something you told her not to do and give her time, especially when she is still clumsy or slow with words.

Be consistent

You must be consistent when you are teaching your child to distinguish between right and wrong. You can’t afford to let her get away with the same thing today that you punished her for yesterday just because your own mood is different.

Never make idle threats to your child — there is no point in telling a child "you will not have your breakfast if you continue behaving that way" knowing that you have to give her breakfast.

You can’t expect a child to learn how to do the right thing every time if she can’t count on the way you will react from day to day.