He doesn’t know I’m older

My boyfriend is five years younger than me, but he doesn’t know it. He is physically much bigger than I am and so maybe he just assumes that he is older. I also feel that he is about to propose marriage to me.

I don’t know how he will react when he finds out that I’m older than he is, so I’m kind of confused about what to do. I don’t know if I should tell him now or later when we are already married and have a child I love him very much and I don’t want to lose him. I cannot live without him and I cannot stand to see him with another woman. He is very mature and so loving to me. Please advise.  {Kenzie}

Your take
It would have been much easier if you were straight forward right from
the start. Tell him the truth rather than wait for him to find it by himself. It is a big risk, but it has to be taken to avoid problems in future. {Felix – Oyugisnet}

Love goes beyond age, status and physical appearances. If he already loves you, then he would not leave you based on your age difference. Every decision about marriage must be informed by truth from the word go. He needs the whole truth to make an informed decision. Tell him the truth. It is better to break up before getting married than after you are married. {Pastor Alan Kiombe}

You should not lie to a person you love. If he discovers the truth on his own, he will never trust you again. You must also check to see if you are being realistic by falling in love with someone who is younger than you. Alternatively wait for him to propose first before you reveal your age. {Tasma Charles}

Your fears are your worst enemy. They say age is just, but a number. Maturity is what counts. In love, the age element is not a factor that can affect a marriage. Some marriages have worked with even huge age differences; so don’t spend much of your time worrying about it. Your age should be his problem, not yours. Wait for him to ask the question — don’t give information that has not been asked for. {Ouma Ragumo}

Age is just, but a number, but the truth is always important in a relationship. Tell him and ask him what he thinks about this issue. He may be truly in love with you and may not care much about your age. {Onyango Outha Luhano}

Five years isn’t much difference, but for some reason, there is a lot of bias in society that the man should be older than the lady. If he loves you, he shouldn’t care about your age. Some eyebrows may be raised, but if both of you truly love and care for each other, then this is all that matters at the end of the day. If you are both genuine then everyone will be able to see through this element and support you in your wishes to marry. {Catherine Adeya}

The counsellor's take

Kenzie, in a relationship set-up, you can easily get away with some lies for example the number of sexual partners you have had.

Others are like an infected wound – you can only keep them hidden for so long. The difference between these categories of lies is the probability of being discovered in the future, with some having a higher one than others. When it is obvious that the truth will emerge someday, it is better to give it out before hand.

Within relationships, it is not what the other person does or does not do that hurts, it is the feeling of being taken for a fool that really stings. Giving it away before it is discovered has many advantages including buying the goodwill of the other party, while lying or withholding information that will one day be discovered puts holes into your credibility.

Being secretive?

The best way to end this discussion is to put that card on the table and ask to hear his thoughts. Once it is out, you will get an answer and the likelihood is that it will be a positive one. Maybe he already knows the current situation — there are many things that tell ones age away apart from the Identity Card including the year you sat your KCSE among others.

As long as it is hidden or not talked about it, it shall always remain a big deal, but when it gets out, it will die out slowly. Many times people learn to accept and live with the things they cannot change – because they simply cannot change them. I strongly believe that he already knows. Whatever you will tell him will most likely not be breaking news to him. Buy his goodwill with this card; you might need it to cover another issue.

  {Taurus}