Sexual advances from stepfather

I am a First Year student and I have lived with my stepfather for seven years. He loves and supports me very much. He gives me anything I ask for and is even paying my college fees. He is very close to me, especially because my mum always favours his other daughter over me. I think she does this just to please him, but he always seems to love me more. 

Of late, however, he has been making strong and direct passes at me. He even comes to college and spends time with me and many times he kisses and caresses me and tries to get me to sleep with him. I am starting to get attracted to him, but I don’t want any trouble with mum. I have asked him for some time to think about this. He is persistent I think he may even stop paying my school fees and the kindness he has been showing me.

Please advise…

{Nimu}

You should tell your mum what is going on because your father can never be your boyfriend. It is better to lose that financial support than to lose your mum.

{Mercy Amoh}

What he wants is just not acceptable. Make it that clear to him. Your relationship should remain that of step-dad and a stepdaughter. You should never allow him to caress or to come close to you.

{Eghnosaint De’Dawg}

You welcomed his advances from the word go while you should have kept your distance. You are now claiming to be attracted to him, which means you already love him. What he is doing for you is his responsibility not a favour. You would offend the entire society, not just your mum.

{Ouma Ragumo, Ukwala}

You should keep your distance being that he is your step-dad. Do the right thing regardless of whether it makes you suffer or not, it will be worth it. Otherwise, you will break your mother’s marriage and your other siblings will never forgive you.

{Tasma Charles}

Suppose he impregnates you. Would that child call him dad or grandpa? Try to imagine being a co-wife to your mother? It is shameful to share a man with your mum.

{Outha Jaluhano, Market}

My take

Nimu, this is one of those situations out of which nothing good can emerge. It is like holding a live grenade — you know two things for sure. One, that it is going to detonate at one point and two, the outcome will be totally undesirable. Why would you want to cross your mum that way? You are mature enough to know exactly what he wants.

What does he want?

Being your step-dad, he is obviously not your biological father. This lays a good ground for me to conclude that you are just another woman to him. Being that he is married to your mum, his interest could be to experience the thrilling, yet strange satisfaction of being sexually involved with women of the same family such as a mother and daughter/s, sisters, cousins, aunties. As a matter of fact, this has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with your mum. He just wants to look at her while he is getting at it and say to himself, “If you only knew I’m doing the same thing to your daughter…”

What if she is found out?

When investigating any crime, detectives rely on one critical assumption that the culprits are going to make mistakes that will give them away. This is very true for people who are doing wrong, like getting sexually involved with someone they shouldn’t be getting involved with. You will always make mistakes that will glaringly give you away. Suppose she got wind of the matter that the two of you are sexually involved? It would crush her so bad that she would never have the face to look you in the eye.

Well, in some way, women are always expecting their men to cheat on them but to do so with their own flesh and blood is gross. It’s truly personal. Remember, you are only related to him through paper; she is related to you by blood. Why would you put that on the line over a guy who is just out to satisfy some strange sexual desires?

What to do?

First, you need to stop entertaining his advances. Sometimes, the best way is to burn your bridges. When you do this, you are able to clearly see the way forward. Tell him that what he wants is totally unacceptable to you and that you will consider telling your mother what kind of beast he is if he persists. This should stop him in his tracts.

Men only pursue women who appear to be receptive to their advances. It is highly unlikely that he will withhold any assistance he is providing for you because he knows that you have something that could permanently destroy him. Do not threaten him though; just be firm on what you don’t want.

{Taurus}