By Smitta
"Kama ningekuwa msanii wa sanaa ya silaha; ningekuwa na jamii yaw a-sadam ka Sadaam," we usedta luv brayin’ dat Klepto classic when it first chucked, with the likes of the jangili Mutinda ‘Miaow’ Munyao. Niendelee?
Ok! If you are a msanii these days, the place 2 be seen at is at Wasanii pub at KNT. 4get old Ntibaba’s rydykalous allegations ati wasanii of KNT are nuthin’ more than ‘majangili wa bangi wearing bangili.’ Where did he get dat infomeshen? From ole gazetics whn he waz at de Norfolk across, smokin’ tea wit tha Cholomondleyz? Nkt!
Come end-a o’ last week, n twas the tyme to go Wasanii n do an exectif PEN intl meetin -namely, me, Philo Ikonya, Bwatebe Ondukski, Khaingia Okpwemba n de-lightful Kingwa Kamenchu (notice all those hard artsy names, this comin’ on a day I’d earlier met artist Mwingilia Kithure? Ata ka ni de-colonisin’ ya head, imagine naming a toi ‘Khaingia Mwingilia Bwatembe Kingi wa Kamenchu, si dats a hard time at school, 4 da fool ,heh heh)?
Afta sunset, the PEN folk left n sat wid Emily, the Wasanii manageress (also, Koome ‘de arrogant’s’ big sis) — and I mussay she got big plans 4 wasanii, n is the sort of gal one needs in thingz like "Brand Kenya" As 4 her kid-bro, young Koome (bronze medalist, The Presenter), he got confidence, not "arroganz" See, Koome dint grow up on de Nyayo philosophy of "beace n humble" pie dat kept summ folks quiet too sana. He is of da bold (loud) new Pulse generation, so give the boy a m-break. Ok?
Talented dancer
Nxt in line was dat other talented n confident man, the surfer dooper dancer dude Boneless, wid all his groovy moves n weird tattoos. A coupla years ago, twas his Cousin Boneless stealin’ his name. Now he claims tis tv stations stealin’ his groov-y ideaz. As a wise artist, I advised Boneless next-tyme he launches an idea, tis important he puts his tamp on it. Nyet, not copyrite. Dats clichÈ! If yu are a talented dancer, for exampo, you go to a teevee station, tell ‘em to put on a show 4 amateurz to join your dance troupe, in his case, the Freestyle Lunatix.
(Aiyee, don’t-cha just give away ya oriji ideaz dat can be implemented without yur existence)! As the night wore on, here came Maddo, who does stuff for Standard on Sato (Mad world) n Sunday too. Now, Paul ‘Maddo’ Kelemba is just tha greatest toonist ever in indpit. Kenya. Yaani yuko juu tu sana, ka kilemba ya mkorino!
Davy Ohingo — alongside Shan Bartlettski — they are always the wittiest peas in da pod. Kegoro, the udder dancer n DJ-direktor Richie Mwaniki also joind us 4 tha ‘free’ vodoski, n we spoke again o’ Bantu Mwaura. Sad shizzle!
Here came Gitura Kamau (aka Govt o’ Kenya) n his konstant kompanion, Betty Ka-zungu, n enjoined tha conversation. Betty, now a film producer, left at midnite like a teguila Cinderella, GK n I typically lewad till 4 a.m. mpaka watukujielewa. Luckily, Job, who is the coolest, easiest, most level-headed bar n resto manager in Kinya, is at Wasanii. In fact, he so cool, he’z Job Obar-man.
Sato lunch-tyme found me bk at the Wasanii (yeah, twas dat kinda artsy wk-end), n who almost falls on me from stair top. One Paxon ‘the Pacman’ Ngugi, mid-day blazed on White Caps.
Sober as an upstair judge was Pips Oketch, me old peeps from tha ‘C’ n owner of Oxygen Media, among the best Event-Organiser companies in Kenya. Having lunch wid him was Betty Ka-zungu, who generously got me a double vodoski as she enjoyd Myer’s wid her fish. Mmm, thanx.
A very useless game
The famous mwalimu n actor, Davy Mulwa, passd by n I swear I donno how dude stays young. Asfta some msanii T-shirt negoz wit a young dread I call ‘ProtÈgÈ,’ me peeps Pips n I decided ta go Tanagier where Smif is 60 bob a shot to catch tha ‘Mau U vs Arse’ game, lakini wapi?
That vodoski at Tan may be cheap, butn a pub without DSTV is like a kuku kapanda-ing a baiskeli! So-oo off to Winebar we went, went we? Manager Tom waz theya, n I met some really cool people – this guy 4rm ‘Sura Kitabu’ called Bry, a seriously neat splengski calld Nayomi, n this reed-dance (breast-watch) chap calld Mswati. If yu ever go to Swaziland n they say ‘hi,’
yaani, "kunja niputi?" don’t say "ma-ti-ti,". Say ‘mkona’ (I’m ok). Just a few tit-er-tips!!
Soon, the \trio of Betty, GK n an on actress joinskd Peeps n me for a very useless game a footer. Pips, n a Red Devil, needed ta pick up equipment from Uchumi Hyper from his ZAIN show. I needed notta see Fergie n his fergits pick tha EPL trophy dat was Cheskis not-long ago. Manze, wasee wa Man-U are not leavin a cup een to drink uji wid for any odder clubs!!
So up Ngong Road, went we, picked Pips people, includin’ da cool Ciks, n he dropped me tao. I went up 2 tha office (this is a sato, sunset), picked up Monski\Blue Stevo Muendo —Zimu (also o’ Man U), n leavin’ our bosski Jane Godski still sealin’ tha loose stringos of jobbo after sundown, went down park.
Cynthia of KTN was in due lot, tryin ta look hot (heh heh) goan home, wid 2 dudes in her whip boot. U go gal! The guyz really on the Go, tho, were the young Pulsers from Kowloon woo had hired a MASH limo for their marshmallows, n the sexy octopus (miaow) waz on tis way ta Tamasha. I’m shore they had a grrreeat tyme.
As 4 me n Stevo, dat 8 o’glock, twas back to Wasaniii, the good man Job, n all dat art crew. So guess who we see as we walk in? Say it wit me — GK, Betty Ka-zungu (bat this time wid er jungu hubby) n his bro-in-law, who lookd suspiciously at me ‘G’-look; of Tom Ford shades + addidas.
Hey, men, norra every choca nucca wansa rob ya, specially when cling’d out as I waz. Was ready ta make it rain Wasanii, sides, wid de likes of Stevo n producer Elchi. Makadem n some ka dame join us, he tells me he leaving’ briefly for Morocco n Paris in July — one show, one jigga-lo, ha-ll-oo!
Excellent work wid Lupita
Me Sharonova, fresh off a Sato o’ jobbo (woije) joind us, as we spoke show-biz shizzle (n drank smirf) wit Wasa-snii like musician Barbara Guantai, Kim 4 luv n dark poet Jerry Odhis. My big idea 4 Barbara Guantai — she shd sing a re-mix of ‘Guantanamera’ for tha modern era that goes: "Guan-Tana-mo-Bay, al Qaeda, we’re goan Guan-tan-a-mo-baaay…" Baa baa black yay!
Roy ‘the Boy’ Ogolla bought us al lla huge rao of vodo (better dan smokin’ peace-pipe weed), n we made out sort war up -me, him, Stevo. Tis true, boy Roy has done excellent work wid Lupita (Nyongo), for Idda the musician, tu-shows, n like late bro Lenin, he’s a show-biz In man. (I see peace doves flyin, the vy they did wend a spicious Jalango passd us by, n we sed loud ‘hallos.’).
Now wid beef ba-hind us, we cd reminisce on de dayz I first came KNT as a colle first timer ten years ‘go-n met mad guys like Johnny Nderitoo, Whispers who was pilsner generous n sed I was "like his heir" (Eva Whis + Tria Whizz, n mes are in one-a iz trustz), Maddo (who to date, happily pints wid his mama, how cool!) n tha man who horned me jouna-skillz, Kwamchutsi Makokha (whom Betty Kazungu calls ‘Kwam,’ te te teh).
Karaoke satoz at Wasanii are simply amazing, but at ten p.m., twas tyme to salute the bust o’ Whispers n sey goodbye — although GK 4 summ reason felt compelld to cling unta da Sharanova, shout abt me legs (they’r stilts), n I thot - well, the lad has had 4 hour head-start on me on the ulevi (tween 4 p.m. n 8 p.m. earlier, I’d gotten a lil sober, Odiero).
So off to Karafusses in West, twas 4 me n Stevo to continue to conjure our wazimus on rock n smirf, to tha shock n awe of Eric Muchai’s big sis, n knedit of tha cool deejay. How many locos u knw dat tell rock in their locoz?
Oh! Ed-TV Kimani. I met him in a theatre loo, n he goes – "oh, I thought u only pee from da mouth." I wash me mikonos, he pees, then b4 oga-ing his paws, he stretches n sez –"sasa Smitta. Now we can salimiana properly." Yewgh!!
