Understanding male female relationships

By Njoki Karuoya

Do men hate women? And do women hate men? I doubt it. Because if we did, we would not be dating each other and striving to marry the enemy.

We get excited when a member of the opposite sex is in the room, especially for the single ones, and even the married souls appreciate a good looking or successful man or woman who is not their spouse. So, clearly we don’t hate each other. But somewhere along the way, lovers turn and become haters, and they spread their disillusionment to the rest of the gender. Some get over it and fall in love again, while others continue to hate for life and assume that all men or women are the same.

Only those who appreciate their differences make it in their relationships. When we understand that men don’t think and act the exact same way we do, then we begin to make allowances for some of their behaviour — and they us. Every time I watch those wedding shows and see the adoring eyes of the bride and groom as they stare at each other, I wonder, didn’t all those broken relationships begin this way? Didn’t the men and women who all said ‘I do’ to each other, desire to love and live with each other for the rest of their lifetime? But somehow, many relationships break down.

In today’s world, statistics indicate that marriages ending up in divorce are on the increase, which means we are no longer prepared to forgive and forget our partner’s transgressions.

Why? Because it is like giving up your individuality for the sake of another who probably does not care for your bending backwards for the sake of the relationship, especially when they continue to do injurious deeds. When we are hurt by a member of the opposite sex, we begin to build walls around us as a means of protecting ourselves from more harm.

 When opportunities arise, we lump all men or women together and brand them with the bad behavioural trait. And when one walks into a relationship with such hang-ups, the wall continues to play in the relationship. The intention of barriers is to keep all out, so even when a man or woman tries to make amends, the barriers keep these amends out, and we acknowledge them with a jaundiced eye.

Forgiveness is not easy and it is not for everyone, and those who can’t forgive often opt to walk away or die from ulcers. Some walk away to save their lives, which is commendable. Those who choose to not forgive or forget but continue to remain within that home end up killing their spirits and their joy.

These women will always complain about their husbands, yet do nothing to change the status quo. Ultimately, they end up walking around with a negative energy. With such a depressive environment, the men, even when they desire to change, find it difficult to do so and instead opt to escape either with their friends in the bar or with another woman.

Those women who forgive and forget also move on, but without hang ups. They appreciate that the person they once saw as a god is nothing more than a fallible human, who makes foolish mistakes. When their spouses do, they laugh it off and try not to take it personally. In other words, they don’t allow the negative traits or behaviour of their partners to cloud the direction of their lives. They continue living and cleverly manage to separate issues. They are smart about how they do it and they end up creating a workable balance within the family. These are the lucky ones. I’m not sure what ratio of sisters they make in this country, but I admire them for their courage and insightful wisdom.

njokikaruoya@yahoo.com